The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time
by BlueLakeKylie
Summary: We all know Zelda! But guess what? It's INSANE here! Follow Link, Navi and Saria as they journey through the land of Hyrule to save it from Ganondorf while I put my insane imagination in as Join them doing things such as putting up with Link constantly going crazy, blowing up many objects, and watching Saria destroy everything in her path! It's better than it sounds, really.
1. The First Adventure

**Okay, let me just get one thing out there: This story is OLD. I wrote it when I was like, ten or eleven years old. But I'm still writing this same series to this day, and every story is important to understanding what goes on.**

**If you'd like to understand the sequels, I'd recommend reading this one first even though it's kind of terribly written and has a lot of dialogue (and caps). Trust me, it gets better… because I got older. Sure, it'll be a while, but who knows? You may like it. I know some people who did.**

**Am I supposed to put a disclaimer here or something? I don't own Zelda or Ocarina of Time.**

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The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 1: The First Adventure

"I have been protecting this forest for a heck long time. I'm 400 years old, and I'm a tree. You have no idea how annoying it is to be in one place your whole entire life. AHEM. Anyway, I'm the Deku Tree and I protect the forest because you can't trust a bunch of children to take care of themselves," a tree said. "Those kids are called the Kokiri. Some are sweet and nice and some are a pain in the butt to deal with. Each of the Kokiri have guardian fairies to protect them while I'm sleeping, being lazy or for any other reason. Stupidly, the fairies belonging to the annoying Kokiri are just the same and don't help much, but it's too late for me to take them away, as they are all so attached to them. However…" the Deku Tree paused. "… there is one boy without a fairy."

"Navi, oh Navi, where art thou?" the Deku Tree called. "Get over here."

Navi, the blue fairy, flew up to him. "Really? Where art thou?" she asked disbelievingly.

"Quiet. I need you to be the fairy of the boy without a fairy."

"Why does it have to be me?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO. NOW GO GET HIM."

"Eep!" Navi flew away in a flash and into the village.

Ironically, even though Link was the only one living off the ground (you needed a ladder to get into his house), it took Navi ten minutes to find his house.

"Hey," Navi started. "Wake up!" She smacked Link in the face.

"AHH! BURGLAR!" Link screamed. He picked up his pillow and started trying to beat Navi with it. She took the pillow from him and hit him again. "Huh? What?"

"I'm Navi your guardian fairy."

"Really?! I can finally have all my wishes granted!"

"No, you idiot! Fairies in this game don't grant wishes."

Link snapped his fingers, "Dang it."

"Come on, we have to go see the Deku Tree. Now." Navi dragged Link out the door and tossed him off the porch. (Don't ask how)

"AUGH! MY SPLEEN!" Link screamed.

"Link, are you okay?" Saria asked, running up to him quickly.

"Nope! I'm in lots of pain!"

"No, I mean is your brain okay."

"Honestly…" Navi muttered. "Now come on, we have to go see the Deku Tree no matter what stands in our path."

"I am standing in your path!" Mido yelled. "Have you some kind of business with the Deku Tree?"

"Yes," Navi said.

"Well too bad! You ain't going one step past this point!" Mido paused. "...Unless you are to get a sword and shield!"

"So that we can kill you?"

"Yes! I mean, no! If you can get a sword and shield I will let you pass."

"Fine."

"HELP! THE BOULDER JUST BROKE FIVE OF MY BONES!" Link screamed.

After sending Link to the hospital, he returned to the tunnel and obtained the Kokiri Sword.

_**Link got the Kokiri Sword!**_

Afterwards, Link headed to the Kokiri Store.

"Hello there, Link! Would you like to buy something? I have this girly pink hat!" the store owner pointed to a cap. "I also have this yellow glow stick, a dirty spoon, a broken cell phone, a stolen pair of ripped boots, and a copy of the Lost Hero-"

"Really?!" Navi gasped. "I've been looking for a copy of that book forever! It's really hard to get books when there isn't a book store or library nearby!"

"-In Korean."

"Really? Are you serious? Korean? Do you seriously think that anybody in this forest can speak Korean, or even bother buying a book in that language?"

Suddenly a Kokiri walked in. "Hello there, store keeper! I heard you have a copy of the Lost Hero in Korean! May I buy it? I can speak Korean!"

Navi sighed.

Once the Kokiri left with his new copy of the Lost Hero in Korean…

"Can I buy a Deku shield?" Link finally asked.

"That will be 40 rupees!" the store owner answered.

Link stared into his wallet. No rupees. He stared wide eyed at it. "Do you mind looking that way while I steal one?"

"No problem!" the store keeper looked at the wall while Link took a Deku Shield and skipped out of the store. Navi face palmed.

**_Link stole the Deku Shield!_**

"I swear, there isn't a single smart person in this forest except for Saria. I can't believe that guy was selling a copy of the Lost Hero in Korean. I have to hurry up and read that book before The Son of Neptune comes out," Navi grumbled.

"Hey, Guy-I-Want-To-Kill, we brought a sword and shield," Navi told Mido.

"Gosh darn it! Well, I guess I'll have to let you pass. But only if you-" Mido started, but was interrupted with Navi pointing Link's sword at him. "OKAY YOU CAN PASS!" Mido ran away.

"HAI THAR GREAT DEKU TREEEE!" Link shouted the minute they entered the meadow.

"Link! It's about time you get here!" the Deku Tree yelled.

"Oh, he had to go to the hospital because he got run over by a boulder," Navi said.

"I see. So, long story short, I was cursed by a man who wanted to take my treasure, and I'm going to die if the curse isn't broken soon."

"How do you break the curse?"

Over in the corner, Link was busy eating a cookie for no reason.

"Go inside me and kill the parasite that is causing the curse." Navi sighed.

"I don't want to…" Link complained.

"I will give you something shiny if you do."

"Shiny? I like shiny. Do you like shiny? Cookie likes shiny too. I like cookie. Shiny cookie." Link pet his cookie and then shoved it in his mouth.

"Anyway... Enter mah boi!" The Deku Tree opened his mouth.

"EEK! The talking tree thinks I'm a shiny cookie!"

The Deku Tree and Navi face palmed.

"OH MY FREAK SPIIIDEERR!" Link screamed and hid behind Navi. "I wonder if it likes shiny cookies!" Link walked up to the spider and offered it a cookie. The spider bit him. "Owchies! I guess not."

After some time, Link finally got to the room with the slingshot.

Link got the Slingshot!

"What does it do?" Link wondered. "Launches shiny cookies?"

"Why are you so stupid?" Navi asked him with a sigh.

"I like shiny cookies."

"COOKIES AREN'T SHINY!"

"Yes! I know! Cookies aren't shiny. Shiny cookies are shiny."

"Okay okay okay!" a Deku Scrub yelled when Navi almost stabbed him. "If you spare me, I'll give you some valuable information!"

"Let's go camping," Link said.

"Up ahead, my brothers are guarding the entrance to a door. They won't let you by unless you strike them in a certain order."

"I'll get the sleeping bags!" Link picked up some sticks.

"The order is 231! I'm not telling you again so remember it."

"Do we have tents?"

"SHUT UP, LINK!" Navi screamed at Link. "WE AREN'T GOING CAMPING!"

"Look! A river!" Link jumped into a hole and into the pool below.

"Goodness, Link, you need medical help or something."

"Hehehe! Do you have any more shiny cookies?"

"I think you had too much sugar this morning!"

"I ate two cupcakes, a pie, an entire box of cream puffs and a full bottle of soda."

"I wonder what he's like when he's not on a sugar rush…"

"COOKIE!" Link ran into a wall. "The blue moss hauuuunts me." Link tilted his head and his eye twitched.

"Okay, that was just creepy," Navi muttered.

"Blue moss gives you random hallucinations and makes you go kind of crazy."

"Isn't that from Phineas and Ferb?"

"Yep. But in this story, you go mostly crazy and hyper."

Link glanced at the Deku Scrubs furiously trying to shoot nuts at him, but failing horribly.

"Look! Bakers!" Link exclaimed. He ran over to them, but they hid in their flowers. "HEY! COME OUT SO I CAN EAT ALL YOUR SHINY COOKIES!" Link pulled up the flowers, but the Deku Scrubs somehow remained in the ground.

"Oh snap!" one of the Deku Scrubs yelled. "Now we're stuck in the ground!"

"GIMME YER COOKIES!" Link stomped on each of their heads.

"We don't have any cookies!" the second Deku Scrub told him.

"COOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKIIIIIESS!"

Fortunately, Navi found a frying pan on the ground and hit Link with it.

"Oh, thank Farore you did that," the first Deku Scrub said.

"He's on a serious sugar rush and is randomly hallucinating, so he's a bit crazy right now," Navi explained.

"Oh. No wonder."

"EEK OMD SPIDER! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!" Link screamed and ran around in circles when he saw Gohma.

"Use your slingshot!" Navi told him. So Link tossed his slingshot at Gohma. "That's not what I meant!"

But it happened to hit Gohma's eye and killed it. Gohma fell to the ground and disintegrated. Afterwards, a blue light and a Heart Container appeared.

Link got a Heart Container!

"LOL OH HAI GREAT DEKU TREE!" Link yelled so loud that everyone in the forest had to cover their ears as it echoed for five minutes. Then Link fell asleep.

"That was awfully loud!" the Deku Tree stated.

"At least he's finally lost all his energy from being on a sugar rush," Navi said.

"Well, now that you've finished, I might as well tell you that you did that for nothing and that I'm going to die anyway because I was doomed before you started."

"SAY WHAT?"

"Look at the bright side! At least you get a prize."

"Wut?" Link said, getting immediantly up from his sleep. The Kokiri Emerald dropped on his head.

**_Link got the Kokiri's Emerald!_**

"Ooh! Shiny." Link polished it with a rag he had in his pocket.

"Take that stone, Kokiri's Emerald, to Princess Zelda, mah boi," the Deku Tree told him.

"Why?" Navi asked.

"You'll figure it out. Good bye, mah boi and Navi!" And with that, the Deku Tree died.

"No! Great Deku Tree!" Link gasped.

"Link, let's get out of here," Navi told him.

"Great Deku Treeeee!" Link sat down and cried for a moment, and then got up again as if nothing happened. "Let's go see the princess!"

Then, all of a sudden, they appeared on the bridge.

Saria jumped. "EEK! How the crap did you get out here so quickly!?" she yelled.

"We're going to see the princess!" Link exclaimed.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say it's safe for you to go with just your fairy, so I guess I'll come with you on your journey."

"YES!" Navi yelled.

"Also, my fairy was cut out of the story."

"YES AGAIN! Now I won't have somebody stalking me all the time!"

"IT'S TIME TO SEE THE PRINCESS! YAY!" Link jumped off the bridge.

"Get the rope…" Navi mumbled.

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**Well. That was interesting, wasn't it…?**

**Trust me, this is NOT one of the better chapters. NOT AT ALL. But it should be worth it later on unless you're incredibly picky about what you read and still don't like it by that point! There ****_are_**** some pretty weird things later on in the series, though…**

**I have gone through this story and changed a few things here and there. But it's mostly the same as it was when I first wrote it with the exception of a specific chapter in which I rewrote an entire scene.**

**Peace.**


	2. Can't Buy a Spiritual Stone

**I don't own Zeldaaa or Ocarina of Time…**

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The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 2: Can't Buy a Spiritual Stone

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link started his journey, Navi became his fairy and Saria joined him._

_Now for Chapter Two._

"WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE PRINCESS, THE WONDERFUL PRINCESS OF HYRUUUUUUULE!" Link sang, very horribly and off key.

"So where are we going?" Saria asked Navi.

"Hyrule Castle. The Great Deku Tree told us to."

"What for?"

"To see the princess or something. And you should probably know that the Great Deku Tree died."

"What?!"

"I DIDN'T MURDUR HIM!" Link cried. "HE DIED OF OLD AGE!"

"No he didn't! He died of a curse! Hey wait, which reminds me, now that he's dead, I can get all his money! Better do it before Mido gets it…" Navi flew back into the forest quickly and came out with loads of cash. "Just like that and we're rich!"

"HOOOT HOOT!" a giant owl hooted. "I am Derpity In Your Face Annoying Chatterbox Never Stops Talking Pointless Information Giver Stalker Owl the Third! But you can call me Gabe!"

"Why Gabe?" Saria asked.

"Because it's easier to say than Derpity In Your Face Annoying Chatterbox Never Stops Talking Pointless Information Giver Stalker Owl the Third."

"So what do you want?"

"I'm going to give you pointless information that either is totally useless or makes no sense at all!"

"Do you actually have any information that will help us?" Navi questioned.

"Nope! To save the game, pause the game and press B! Then select Yes using the Control Stick! To pause the game, press the pause button located in the middle of your controller! It's the smallest button! To equip items, pause the game and move the cursor over an item and use the C-Stick to equip it! But you probably already know that because you've beaten one dungeon already. Which reminds me! In a dungeon, you should make sure that you bring enough fairies or health replenishing items in your bottles so that you don't die! To find fairies, go to a Fairy Fountain and steal them from their home! When you die, the fairies with bring you back to life against their will! Which also reminds me of the time my mother forced me to eat turkey against my will! Doesn't she know I'm a vegetarian? Which also reminds me! People eat turkey on Thanksgiving! Which also reminds me, that one time on Thanksgiving we have the Bobsons over for the feast! Turns out, they were all allergic to turkey so they had to go to the doctor! Which reminds me of the first time I went to the doctor because-"

"GOOD DIN, WHEN WILL HE STOP TALKING?!" Navi screamed.

"Well, the part about the fairies was kind of helpful," Saria stated.

Gabe suddenly cut himself off, "Oh no! I was helpful! This is awful!" Gabe flew away quickly.

"Hey! That gives me an idea!" Saria exclaimed.

"What?" Navi asked.

"If he flies away every time he finds out he gave away helpful information, all I have to say is that something was helpful and he'll leave us alone!"

"Look! A peacock!" Link suddenly exclaimed. The peacock Link randomly spotted turned into a tiny airplane that picked Link and Saria up and dropped them in Hyrule Castle Courtyard.

"What? I was hoping that we'd have to sneak into the castle," Saria muttered. "But I guess this was better because Link would never be able to sneak into the castle, knowing him."

"HI THERE PRINCESS!" Link greeted.

"EEEK!" Princess Zelda screamed. For some reason, she had a piece of paper in her hand. "What the crap are you doing here?!"

"I honestly don't know," Navi said. "The Great Deku Tree told us nothing, he just gave us some shiny green rock."

"… The Spiritual Stone of the Forest, the Kokiri's Emerald? You have it?"

"Umm… Yes?"

"Just as I thought! Now you have to listen to my long story! I had a dream…"

By the time Zelda's long and boring story was over, Link, Saria and Navi were already gone and the piece of paper in her hand was gone.

"… What the crap?"

"Wow, it was lucky that Zelda happened to be holding that piece of paper with everything to do on it so we wouldn't have to listen to her long boring speech," Saria stated. "According to the paper, we have to go to Death Mountain for the Goron Ruby."

"TO DEATH MOUNTAIN YAY!" Link yelled. He started skipping to Kakariko Village, but tripped over a root even though there were no trees around.

"Okaaaay…" Navi said.

"YAY KARARIKA VILLAGE!" Link cheered.

"Kakariko," Navi corrected.

"YAY KOKORIKA VILLAGE!"

"KAKARIKO!"

"YAY KAKAKAKAKOKOKOKO VILLAGE!"

Navi face palmed.

"I have a sudden urge to go graverobbing!" Saria exclaimed and ran to the graveyard. She crashed into a weird running carpenter. "WHAT THE MUFFIN ARE YOU DOING! GET OUT OF MY WAY!" Saria stomped on the carpenter's foot. He kept running like nothing happened.

"This is officially the weirdest day of my entire life…" Navi mumbled.

"WE'RE GOING GRAVEROBBING!" Saria yelled, picking up a shovel.

"AWESOME!" Link shouted, also picking up a shovel. Saria went over to one of the graves.

"Don't mess with the graves! I'll tell Dampé!" a kid walking around in the graveyard said.

"SHADDAP!" Saria yelled at the kid. She tried to pull the grave back again.

"Don't mess with the graves! I'll tell Dampé!"

No matter what Saria did, she could not pull the grave because whenever the kid said that, she automatically let go of the grave.

Saria kicked the grave, "DANG IT!"

"Ooh! Let's rob this one!" Link exclaimed, pointing to the Royal Family grave.

"Weren't you paying attention? We can't do it with that kid around." Saria paused. "Wait…"

Saria suddenly played Zelda's Lullaby and the grave exploded. The kid completely ignored it.

"Where the crap did you learn that?" Navi asked.

"It was written on the paper," Saria replied. She jumped into the hole and came out a minute later with blood stains. "Don't worry, it's not mine. I learned a new song that makes it night time!" Saria played the Sun's Song on her ocarina and it instantly became night.

"Hey! The kid isn't there anymore!" Link exclaimed. He pulled one of the graves. "Ooh! We can go into this one too!"

"Yippee!" Saria leaped into the hole and came out with two Hylian Shields. She tossed one to Link. Even though he saw it coming, it hit him in the face.

Link pulled back another grave, "Ooh! Here's another one we can go into!"

"Can we go into all of them?" Saria jumped into that one and came out with a Heart Piece.

**_Saria got a Heart Piece!_**

"Duh," she answered.

Link pulled on another grave. This time there was no hole, but instead a Poe appeared.

"OH CRAP!" Link screamed.

"GHOST! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!" Saria yelled. The Poe stood no chance and was taken down before it could blink.

"When did you take my sword?" Link asked.

"Since the beginning of the chapter."

"I think it might be better trusted in her hands, somehow," Navi said.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" the guard yelled when Link tried to get through the gate.

"Why not?" Link asked.

"It's called Death Mountain! Why would you want to go there?!"

"Because the princess told us to!"

"Actually, we took a piece of paper-" Navi started, but Saria swatted her to get her to be quiet.

"Right…" the guard replied.

"No! Seriously!" Link insisted. He gave the guard the piece of paper.

"Hmm… Surely this is Princess Zelda's handwriting… Oh, fine. You can pass." The guard hit his spear on the ground and the gate opened.

"EEK! Magic gate!" Link hid behind Saria.

"Actually, there's a button on the bottom of my spear."

"It was pressed on the ground before," Navi stated.

"It only works if it goes in and then out."

"But then you'd never be able to lift your spear again if you didn't want anybody to go back there."

"DO YOU WANT TO GO UP THE MOUNTAIN OR NOT?!"

"Okay, okay!"

"EEK! Talking rock!" Link shrieked once he saw a Goron.

"Link, that's a Goron," Navi told him.

"Gorons are talking rocks?"

"Kind of?"

"I TAKE THAT OFFENSIVELY!" the Goron yelled.

"Sorry! That's not what I meant! It would just get him to be quiet faster!"

"I STILL TAKE THAT OFFENSIVELY!"

Knowing what was best, Saria, Link and Navi ran for their lives.

"HEY! What are you doing in my apartment!?" Darunia demanded when the three entered the room.

"Apartment?" Navi asked. "Don't you mean room?"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

Then Saria suddenly played Saria's Song and Darunia began dancing wildly in a way that isn't humanly possible.

"…" Navi stared. "That was sudden."

"I saw a Goron dancing outside a pathway with that song coming out of it, so I figured something would happen if I played it for him."

"DUDE THAT'S LIKE TOTALLY HOT!" Darunia yelled and continued dancing for another five minutes.

"How long can he dance?" Saria asked.

Finally, Darunia stopped dancing, "Dude, that was like, awesome. I just heard the song and I had a sudden urge to dance like crazy! So what's up?"

"Spiritual Stone of Fire," Navi said.

"Oh, that thing? I ate it yesterday."

Silence.

"YOU WHAT?!" Saria screamed, drawing her/Link's sword.

"Hey! I'm just kidding!" Darunia said.

"Why would you joke about such a thing?!"

"Whatever. Y'see, the Spiritual Stone of Fire, the Goron Ruby, is the most important thing to us Gorons! I'm not giving it to you for free, y'know."

"Oh, is that so?" Saria took out her wallet.

"I mean, you'd need to do some big favor in order for me to give it to you."

"A big favor? Like give you cash?"

"No! Look kid, did you see a giant boulder on the way up here?"

"Yeah."

"Behind that rock is our food storage! We've gotten so used to the rocks in there that we won't eat anything else! One day though, an evil man appeared, filled it with Dodongoes and sealed it with a boulder because I didn't let him have the same thing you want. If you blow up that boulder and destroy the Dodongoes, I'll give you the stone!"

"Yeah yeah, I know the first part," Link said. Saria glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Can't we just do this the easy way?" Navi asked. "Let us buy it from you?"

"WE'RE STARVING TO DEATH FOR YOUR INFORMATION! YOU CAN'T BUY THE STONE!"

"But if we buy the stone from you, you'll have enough money to go to the supermarket and buy more food."

"I hope you know that people don't sell rocks at the supermarket."

"Okay, then if you can't do that, why couldn't you just have thought of eating the rock that's blocking the entrance?"

"I told you that we only ate the ones in Dodongo's Cavern!"

"But if you were that hungry, you'd eat the rock blocking the entrance."

"Once a Goron tried to eat the rock. He said it tasted so horrible that he was about to pass out. Just take these things that let you pick up bomb flowers and get out of my room."

**_Link and Saria got Power Bracelets!_**

"Wait, so what are we doing again?" Saria asked. "I wasn't listening, I was focusing to much on the bribing."

"MUST I EXPLAIN IT AGAIN?!" Darunia yelled.

"No, you don't need to!" Link said. "We have to go blow up the boulder blocking Dodongo's Cavern and kill all of the Dodongos so the Gorons can eat food again!"

"You were listening?" Navi gasped.

"Nah."

Navi and Saria stared confusingly.

* * *

**I really don't have much to say. I mean, this story is already complete, so updates will probably be ****_daily_****, and if not, I'm busy or don't feel like it. It may take a while to catch up to where I am by this point…**

**Peace.**


	3. Insane Pyro Saria

**I don't own Zelda or Ocarina of Time…**

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The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 3: Insane Pyro Saria

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link tried to eat a rock, Navi corrected Link's stupid mistakes, Saria went graverobbing, and Gabe, the talking owl, began to stalk them._

_Now for Chapter Three._

"BLOW UP THE ROCK!" Saria yelled. She chucked a bomb over the edge of the cliff and blew up the rock blocking the way to Dodongo's Cavern. The sign next to it blew up as well. "MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE!"

So Link, Navi and a very crazy Saria entered into the cavern.

"BLOW UP THE WALL!" Saria threw a bomb flower at the wall and it exploded, going into the cavern. "MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE!"

"Well someone's hyper today," Navi stated.

"Who's hyper?" Saria asked, holding a half empty bottle of Pepsi.

"BLOW UP THE LIZARDS!" Saria yelled. She paused. "…*Dang it! No bomb flowers in here… STAB THE LIZARDS!" Saria stabbed the lizards and killed them both immediantly. "MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE!"

"Yay!" Link cheered.

Navi sighed.

"BOMB THE DODONGOES!" Saria shouted and threw a bomb at a Dodongo. The Dodongo swallowed it and died. "MEH HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!" "Okay, that laugh is really getting annoying, Saria," Navi stated.

"WHATEVER! MEH HE HE!" Navi sighed.

**_Saria got a Bomb Bag!_**

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMBS!" Saria screeched like a possessed person. "NOW I DON'T NEED TO PICK BOMB FLOWERS ANYMORE!MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hehehehehe!" Link laughed. "Bombs…"

"How is Saria being here supposed to make this easier again?" Navi muttered.

"GIIIIIIAAAANT DODONGOO! EXTERMINATE IT!" Saria screamed. She began chucking bombs at it non-stop. They all landed in its mouth, killing it because of all the explosions. "HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!" Saria began laughing uncontrollably.

King Dodongo rolled into the lava and the lava hardened. A Heart Container and a blue light appeared.

"YAAAY!" Link cheered. "We did it!"

_**Link got a Heart Container!**_

"You two need some water…" Navi mumbled.

"You did it, kids!" Darunia exclaimed when the three exited the cavern. "Take this!"

**_Saria got the Goron's Ruby!_**

"Two down, one to go!" Saria said.

"You should also go see the Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain! She'll surely help you!" Darunia told them.

Two Gorons fell down beside Darunia, "TIME FOR A BIG OL' GORON HUG!" they both said.

"AHH!" Link and Saria screamed.

"I don't wanna go in!" Link insisted once they got to the top of Death Mountain. "What if the Great Fairy is ugly?"

"She's the Great Fairy," Navi said. "She's not going to be ugly."

So the three entered. The Great Fairy came out of the fountain.

"EEEEEEK!" Saria screamed. "She's hideous!"

"My poor eyes!" Navi yelled.

"THE EXCESSIVENESS OF NO CLOTHES IS BLINDING ME!" Link shouted.

"Hello! I'm the Great Fairy of Power!" the Great Fairy greeted. "I'm going to give to magic power!"

"Make it snappy because I can't look at you anymore!" Navi said.

**_Link and Saria got Magic Power!_**

"A friend of mine is at Hyrule Castle! You should go see her!" Then the three dashed out immediantly. They found Gabe sitting on a sign next to the cave.

"Oh, and what do you want?" Saria asked.

"Actually, I was going to give you a ride down the mountain, but since you never arrived at Hyrule Castle, I'm not giving you one," Gabe replied.

"Yes we did, we just got dropped in by a plane rather than whatever path you were on," Navi said.

"Neither did you show up at the Lost Woods when you were supposed to go learn Saria's Song!"

"Saria is with us, that's why we didn't go."

"I'm still not giving you a ride. It's part of my contract that if you skip one of my speeches, I don't help you in return."

"SCREW THE CONTRAT, I HAVE BOMBS!" Saria yelled.

"Screw you, I can fly!"

Saria hissed at him and drew her sword, "I will do it!" Saria inched closer and closer to Gabe.

"Okay okay okay! But I might get fired!"

"Serves you right!"

"But I don't want to do any side quests!" Link complained.

"Come on Link, it won't hurt to do a few," Navi said. "We should take a little break from gathering the stones."

"We've only actually travelled to get one," Saria stated, drinking a can of Coco-Cola.

"I don't care, you weren't here for the first one. And who knows what we might have to do for the next stone!"

"Whatever…"

So first, Link gathered up the cuccos for Anju. He approached her with a handful of cuccos.

"I finally… got them all…" Link breathed and threw them all into the pen.

"Good job! Now take this reward!" Anju said.

**_Link got a Bottle!_**

"Are you kidding me?" Link asked. "I worked for an hour trying to get all those cuccos and all I get is a bottle?"

"Yep!" Anju replied.

"Gah! How did that cucco get inside that sealed box anyway?!"

Next, Link, Saria and Navi went to the Lon Lon Ranch.

"Lon Lon Ranch?" Saria read the sign. "Does that mean there are cheeseburgers here? Most of their ingrediants come from ranch related items."

"I am pretty hungry," Link said.

"Me too," Navi added. They walked into the house. "Hi there! We'd like to order…"

They all paused.

The house was full of cuccos. No humans in sight.

"… Maybe we went into the wrong building…" Link stated.

"Excuse me sir!" Link called to Ingo. "Are you the owner of the ranch?"

"I wish," Ingo replied. "The owner has been gone for a week now. He left to deliver milk to Hyrule Castle and hasn't come back yet."

"I didn't know so many things happened at Hyrule Castle… If we didn't get dropped into the courtyard immediantly, the owner would probably be back here…"

"Are you the only person here?" Navi asked.

"Yes. It's been this way for a whole entire week, like I said!" Ingo said.

"Why don't you take over the ranch then?" Saria suggested.

"Hmm… I didn't think of that… Since his daughter isn't here either, I suppose I could…"

"I need to go to Hyrule Castle real quick," Navi stated and flew off. With nothing else to do, Link walked into the middle of the horse field. He found a red horse.

"Aww, you're so cute!" Link exclaimed.

A while later, Navi finally came back with the fat owner of the ranch and his daughter.

"Dad, I'm going to make you watch Teletubies for an hour!" Malon, his daughter, yelled.

"NOOO!" Talon, the owner, screeched.

"Oh, hi there!" Malon exclaimed when she noticed Link in the field. "How long have you been here?"

"For about an hour or something," Link replied. "I'm playing with this horse right here!" Link pet the red horse.

"Oh, that's Epona, my horse. It's very unlike her to be so open to a stranger."

"Actually, she was pretty freaked out at first, and then I bribed her with carrots."

"Oh. Well, learn this song that my horse likes because I need to teach it to somebody already." Malon sang Epona's Song. Link did nothing. "Come on! Play it on something."

"I'm not the one with the ocarina. Saria is."

"Then just tell her what the song is. Do something!"

"Okay, okay."

Link walked into the building to find Saria playing the cucco game with Talon. She had thrown all the normal cuccos behind a box and easily picked up all the special cuccos.

"Well I'll be darned!" Talon exclaimed once she picked up the last special cucco. "It's plum incredible! Here, take this bottle filled with milk as a prize!"

**_Saria got a Bottle full of Lon Lon Milk!_**

"Hey Saria!" Link said.

"Huh? What?" Saria asked, holding her prize.

"A girl taught me this song and you're the one with the insturment."

"Okay, how did the song go?"

Link horribly sang it, but somehow Saria knew what notes he was trying to sing. She played the song and Epona(the horse) broke down the door.

"Hehehe…" Saria laughed, for she had an idea. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"Hey Navi, guess what?" Saria told Navi once they were outside.

"What?" Navi asked.

"I got us a horse!"

"Where is it?"

"Right…" Saria played Epona's Song and Epona ran up to her. "… here!"

"Is that horse even old enough to be ridden?"

"Let's see!" Saria tried to climb on Epona's back. Navi could've sworn she heard Epona say "AUGH! MAH BACK!". "I guess not. Get outta here." Saria pushed Epona back into the ranch.

"The Great Fairy said there was another fountain at Hyrule Castle," Navi said. "Maybe we should go there…"

"But she's hideous!" Link shouted.

"But we have to go there, Link. Maybe this time she'll give us something worth coming."

"I sure hope so…"

"BLOW UP THE ROCK! AGAIN!" Saria yelled, tossing a bomb at the rock near Hyrule Castle. The guards must have been deaf because they didn't hear the massive explosion. Behind the rock was a hole.

"All right, somebody has to go in," Navi said.

"I'll go…" Saria muttered. "I'd have to go anyway because I'm the one with an ocarina…" She crawled into the hole and walked up to the fountain.

Saria braced herself and approached the fountain. The hideous Great Fairy came out.

"Hello there! I am the Great Fairy of Magic!" the Great Fairy greeted.

"Just give me the thing so I can get out of here…" Saria muttered.

**_Saria got Din's Fire!_**

"Hmm?"

"What did you get?" Navi asked Saria when she came back out.

"Oh, I'll show you!" Saria replied.

She used Din's Fire. There was much suffering.

* * *

**All right, there's another chapter.**

**Peace.**


	4. Laziness or Insanity?

**Let me warn you now that this is one of the… more interesting chapters. Again, I wrote this a long time ago.**

**And also, it's been kind of a long time, but my computer decided to stop working with FF all of a sudden so I needed to borrow my mom's laptop for this. It's kind of complicated so don't ask…**

**I don't own Zelda…**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 4: Laziness or Insanity?

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link went on some side quests, Navi woke up Talon back at Hyrule Castle, Saria was on a bombing spree and the trio suffered from the Great Fairy's hideousness._

_Now for Chapter Four._

"What do we have to do to get the next Spiritual Stone?" Navi asked Saria.

"According to the piece of paper, we have to go to Zora's Domain," Saria replied. "It should be right along that river right there." She pointed to the entrance to Zora's River.

"TO DA RIVER!" Link yelled. He began to run, but tripped over the same root he tripped over last time.

Saria and Navi stood there silent.

"Hoot hoot!" Gabe hooted once the trio entered the area. "It's me, Gabe!"

"We know your name," Navi said.

"My contract said that I was allowed to give useful information once a week. I just found out."

"What is this dumb contract anyway?" Saria asked.

"I get paid to do this, okay?!" Gabe cleared his throat. "Anyway, the Zoras aid the King of Hyrule by protecting this land's water source. They won't let anybody in unless they prove connection to the Royal Family! Hoot hoot!" And with that, Gabe flew off.

Meanwhile, Link was distracted by a guy eating something out of a bag.

"Hi there," Link greeted. "What'cha eating?"

"Potato chips," the guy replied.

"Nice."

"Hello there!" Link greeted King Zora.

"Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto… Where have you gone?" King Zora said, completely ignoring Link.

Link turned around, "I don't think he notices us."

"Let's look around a little more to see if we can find something to get his attention," Saria suggested. They walked over to a nearby cave to find a Zora at the top of a waterfall.

"Hello!" the Zora greeted. "Would you like to play the Diving Game?"

"No thanks," Navi replied. "We're busy."

"I'll tell you exactly what the prize is though! The prize for winning is a Silver Scale, a scale of our kind. It lets you dive deeper than you could before!"

"Can we buy it instead?" Saria asked.

"Well, you could, but it would be 300 rupees because of the pain I went through to get the scale."

"Oh. Can I borrow 300 rupees?"

"Sure thing!" The Zora handed Saria 300 rupees.

"Here!" Saria gave the 300 rupees back to him and took the scale.

"Thank you very much!"

"Your welcome!" Saria pulled Link off the waterfall.

The Zora paused, "Wait a minute…"

After a little while, Navi discovered an underwater passage that lead to Lake Hylia. This didn't make much sense because they could dive for 6 seconds with the Silver Scale, and Lake Hylia was on the other side of Hyrule. The passageways must have been magic, or something.

Anyway, the group found a bottle in the lake with a letter in it. The letter involved Princess Ruto so they took the letter to King Zora.

"!" King Zora gasped. "The letter is from Princess Ruto! Let me read it!" He took the letter and read it. "She's inside Lord Jabu Jabu? That's impossible! He would never eat my daughter!"

"Soo?" Saria asked.

"The evidence seems clear. Of course you'll go find Ruto."

"What?!"

"Let me move out of the way so you can get to Lord Jabu Jabu." King Zora began scooting out of the way.

A minute passed. King Zora wasn't even halfway out of the way yet. Saria, getting bored, climbed up to him and kicked him off the ledge.

"Let's go!" Link said.

"Holy-" Navi started when she saw Jabu Jabu. "That is one heck of a big fish."

"I JUST REALIZED HOW HUNGRY I AM!" Saria exclaimed.

"Oh crap-"

Seconds later, Jabu Jabu was no longer there. Instead there was Saria, standing right where his mouth once was. O_o

"Heh heh heh- ACK! AUGH!" Saria coughed up Ruto and a treasure chest.

"That wasn't exactly what I was expecting," Ruto muttered.

"Do you have the Spiritual Stone of Water?" Link asked.

"Well, yeah, but I lost-" Saria coughed up the Spiritual Stone of Water and a Heart Container. "Never mind."

**_Link got the Zora's Sapphire!_**

Link got a Heart Container!

"I wonder what's in the chest!" Link exclaimed. He opened it up.

**_Link got the Boomerang!_**

"Okay…"

"Let's get out of here," Navi said.

"Wait! I think there's something over there," Link stated. They all went all the way over to the other side of the area. Saria put a bomb in front of a rock over there and the entire wall blew up.

"Cool," Saria spoke. She walked in. "It's a Great Fairy fountain… But I have to take a risk…"

A minute later, Saria came back out with another spell.

"What is it?" Link asked her.

"It's called Farore's Wind. It's supposed to warp you or something…" Saria replied. She used it. They all warped to Hyrule Field.

"Nifty," Navi stated.

"Let's go back to Hyrule Castle now that we have all the Spiritual Stones," Navi spoke.

The trio walked over to Hyrule Castle. Suddenly it became night time and began raining.

"I think something important might be happening…" Link said.

The drawbridge opened up and a horse ran out with Zelda and Impa(who was not mentioned in the story) on it. Zelda tossed something into the water and the horse disappeared.

The three then turned around to see Ganondorf(also not mentioned in the story because they had skipped Zelda's speech).

"Arrrrgh! I lost her!" Ganondorf yelled.

"Who the heck are you?" Saria asked.

"I am Ganondorf! I will rule the world soon!"

"Are you evil?"

"Umm, yes?"

"BOMB THE EVIL PERSON!" Saria took out a bomb.

"Oh crap!" Ganondorf's horse galloped away quickly.

"Dang it… He got away…" Saria muttered.

"Hey! I just found an ocarina!" Navi exclaimed, holding the ocarina. "Somebody take it. I'm a fairy, I can't hold things this big very long…"  
Saria took the ocarina and looked at it. Then she pulled piece of paper out of it. Even after sitting in the water for five minutes, it was still completely dry.

_**Saria got the Ocarina of Time!**_

"I guess we have to go to the Temple of Time in Hyrule Castle Town now," Saria said. "It doesn't even say why…"

"I guess it has something to do with the stones and the ocarina or something," Navi replied.

Once they were in the Temple of Time…

"So…" Link started. "Now what do we do?"

"Maybe we have to put the Spiritual Stones here," Saria said, putting all the Spiritual Stones on the pedestal.

"Now what do we do with the ocarina?" Navi asked.

"Play a song?" Link suggested, taking the ocarina and played the Song of Time.

"When did you learn that?"

"It's the background music."

Afterwards, the door opened up.

"Wow, it worked," Saria said.

"Now gimme cream puffs," Link ordered.

"Why?"

"Because you promised that if I ever played an ocarina, you'd give me a box of cream puffs, but I didn't have an ocarina to play back then."

"Do you seriously expect me to give you cream puffs at a time like this? I don't even have any."

"Liar."

Saria sighed, and took a box of cream puffs out of her pocket. She handed them to Link.

With Link eating the cream puffs furiously, Navi and Saria pulled him into the room behind the Door of Time that just opened.

"Look!" Navi exclaimed, flying over to a blade stuck in a pedestal. "It's the Master Sword!"

"Cool, a new sword!" Saria cheered. She ran over to it and tried to pull it up. It wouldn't budge. "Dang it! It won't come up!"

"Legend has it that only the Hero of Time can pull it up."

Navi and Saria both looked at Link, who was still eating cream puffs and not paying attention at all.

"You've got to be kidding me," Saria muttered. "It can't possibly be Link, can it?"

"Link, try and pull up this sword for us," Navi said.

"Hmm? What?" Link asked, holding a handfull of cream puffs and shoving them into his mouth.

"GIMME SOME OF THOSE CREAM PUFFS!" Saria yelled and shoved her hand into the box. "Dang it, Link! You ate all the cream puffs already!?"

"Try and pull up the dang sword already!" Navi ordered.

"Okee-dokee!" Link cheered. He walked over to the sword and pulled on it. It came out quite easily.

"I guess he really is the Hero of Time."

Then, suddenly, a light surrounded the pedistal.

"Ah! What's going on?!"

"I think we're travelling through time!" Link exclaimed.

* * *

**Well that came pretty fast. This entire story seems rushed sometimes, but a story like this being rushed isn't always a bad thing… unless it's as rushed as this. Yeah, I've read some other stories out there that take absolutely forever to get anywhere and I get pretty bored with them quickly.**

**Peace.**


	5. Rich Clown Trampled!

**Update~**

**Dur…**

**Warning, a not-so-innocent rich guy who looks like a clown gets trampled by Epona in this in a very cartoony fashion. Wait, why is this a warning?**

**By the way, this story's original title was actually The Legend of Crap, but I changed it because it wasn't crap anymore once my writing style improved.**

**I don't own Legend of Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 5: Rich Clown Trampled!

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was boring, Navi talked a lot, Saria did something completely unrealistic and the three travelled forward in time. _

_Now for Chapter Five._

"OH MY NAYRU!" Link screamed. "I'm an old fart!" (Link, you're seventeen.)

"That's first thing you notice after seven years?" an old man in front on him asked. "Not even where you are?"

"Nope."

Indeed, Link, Navi and Saria were on a platform with a bunch of pedestals on it.

"This is the Chamber of Sages," the old man said. "I am Rauru, the Sage of Light."

"And we're here because…?" Saria questioned.

"The Master Sword was pulled up by the weird kid. Somehow, he was chosen as the Hero of Time."

Seven years ago up in the heavens…

"I'm booooooorred," Din complained.

"Hey! I know what we can do!" Farore exclaimed. "Let's make the Hero of Time somebody ridiculous to amuse ourselves."

"I know! Let's choose that random kid who lives at the Kokiri Forest but is actually a Hylian!" Nayru suggested.

"Great idea!"

"Whatever," Din muttered.

Back in the Chamber of Sages…

"I have absolutely no idea why he was chosen," Rauru said. "Anyway, he was too young to be the Hero of Time, so you people got sealed in the Sacred Realm for seven years. The Hero of Time's job is to awaken the 6 Sages. I am one of those Sages, so you have one less Sage to worry about. They're all in a certain temple in a certain area."

"So why do we have to awaken these Sages?" Navi asked.

"Because, over the seven years, Ganondorf took over Hyrule because you opened the Door of Time and pulled up the Master Sword, opening up the entrance to the Sacred Realm."

"So everything Zelda had us do didn't save the world at all? That piece of paper she wrote with instructions on it?" Saria questioned, taking out the piece of paper. She turned it around and glanced at it. "Oh my Din, these were the instructions to put the world at its doom unless the Hero of Time showed up."

"Well crap," Navi said.

"That is why you must go break the seals on all the Sages. They could be anyone, maybe even people you know. By the way, they'll all give you a medallion. So take this one."

_**Link got the Light Medallion!**_

"…

Does it do something?" Link asked. "Like those medallions in A Link To The Past or something?"

"Nope," Rauru replied. "It just proves that you've awakened them. It's completely useless, but it looks cool. Now go awaken the other Sages!"

And Link, Navi and Saria appeared back in the Temple of Time.

"We're back in the Temple of Time…" Navi stated. "But have seven years really passed? It looks like you won't be able to use some of the weapons you found as a kid anymore…"

Saria gasped, "I can't use my ocarina anymore?"

"I said weapons."

"I can't use the Kokiri Sword anymore?"

"I think swords last longer than wooden slingshots and wooden boomerangs."

"I can still use bombs?"

"Just be quiet, will you?"

"I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time…" a voice said. Link whipped around and pulled out the Master Sword. "Hey. I'm on your side, kid."

"Oh. Sorry," Link replied, putting the sword away.

"When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be Sages, who dwell in the five temples. One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain…One under a vast lake… One within the house of the dead… One inside a goddess of the sand… Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world… This is the legend of the temples passed down by my people, the Sheikah."

"We could've saved a lot of time by not opening the Door of Time, couldn't we have," Saria said. "I mean, literally. We killed seven years."

"Yep."

"And now we're forced to deal with this?"

"Yep."

"Who the heck are you?"

"Yep. I mean, I'm Sheik, the survivor of the Sheikahs."

"Wow, your parents were really uncreative."

"Well excuuuuuuuse me, princess. The first temple you should go to is the Forest Temple, where you will break the seal on the first Sage. So get a move on."

"Let'sa go!" Link exclaimed.

-

"… Why are we at the Lon Lon Ranch?" Navi asked.

"Navi, don't you see? After seven years, that little horse would be all grown up and be strong enough to be ridden on," Saria answered.

"Actually, I thought it was because it was all stormy above it, and maybe Ganondorf did something."

"Why would Ganondorf care about Lon Lon Ranch?"

"Hello there, kiddo," Ingo greeted.

"Why are you dressed like a clown?" Saria asked.

"Hey! I'm not dressed like a clown! This is what rich people wear in this time!"

"Rich people dress up like clowns in this time?"

"Clowns didn't exist in this time!"

"Then how do we know what a clown is?"

"I don't know! Anyway! Would you like to ride one of my fine horses?"

"Umm…" Link started.

"Yes!" Saria answered.

"Sorry, but you're too short," Ingo said.

"Hey!"

"What about you, kiddo?" Ingo looked back at Link.

"Uh… Let me think about it for a second…" Link replied.

"Okay Link, here's the plan to get us a horse," Saria whispered. "First, ride around a little to get used to it. Then, ask that guy to enter a race. If you win the first one, he'll want a second race and bet the horse you're riding on. I know guys like that."

"But what if I lose?"

"Just do it and I'll make sure you win!"

"You guys are going to cheat to get a horse out of a race?" Navi asked.

"Quiet, Navi."

"Yes, I'll ride your horses," Link told Ingo.

"That'll be 10 rupees!" Link gave Ingo the money. "Do you want me to tell you how to ride a horse?"

"Please do."

"All right then. Approach the horse quietly and stand by its side. Press A to mount up. Use the Control Stick to make it run. Once it starts running, press A to bribe it with carrots. It will speed up! When you want to jump over a fence, accelerate it and hit it head on! If you try to jump over a fence at an angle, the horse won't like it, and it won't jump. After the horse comes to a complete stop, press A to dismount. Now, have fun!"

"Wait! That didn't make very much sense-"

Then suddenly the screen went white and Link appeared behind the fence and in the horse field.

"Look! There's that horse from seven years ago," Saria exclaimed through the fence.

"Hi there!" Link greeted Epona. Epona galloped away from him, so he played Epona's Song and she ran back to him. He mounted her and she started going on her own. She ran over to Ingo.

"Oh, it seems that you've gotten better!" Ingo said, even though it was not true. "How about a race? One lap around the corral."

"Wow! He did it himself," Saria stated.

"There should be a bet… How about 50 rupees?"

"Uh… Okay…" Link replied.

The screen went white again and they appeared back outside the field, in front of the gate.

"Three… Two… One…" Ingo counted. "Go! HUAAAA!"

Epona automatically began to run at full speed, much faster than Ingo's horse. Link had a hard time staying on.

"AHHHH!" Link screamed. Epona won the race about 10 seconds before Ingo did.

"Sh-shoooot! If the great Ganondorf found out about this humiliation…" Ingo muttered. "Hey, you! How about another race! If you win… You can keep… the horse!"

"I knew it!" Link stated. "I knew this had something to do with Ganondorf!"

"I knew it!" Saria said. "I knew he would bet the horse!"

The next thing Link knew was that he was back on the race track next to Ingo. Again, Epona won the race for him.

"What's up with that horse?!" Ingo demanded. "Is that Epona? How did you tame that wild horse right under my nose?! I was going to present that horse to the great Ganondorf…But I bet it on a race and lost! Shooot!"

"But Ganondorf already has a horse," Link said.

"His old horse died of old age." Then Ingo thought of something. "Hah ha hah! As I promised, I'll give the horse to you… However… I'll never let you leave this ranch!" Ingo closed and locked the gates into the ranch.

"What the crap? That still doesn't mean you get the horse back," Navi told him.

"Shaddap!"

"Come on, Link! We have to find a way to get out of here!" Saria said, climbing on Epona.

Epona suddenly started galloping toward the fence that Ingo was behind. She jumped over it, trampled Ingo and escaped the ranch.

"… Awesome!" Link exclaimed.

"Well! Looks like we just got ourselves a horse!" Saria said.

"Let's go to Kakakakakokokoko village."

"But we have to go to the Forest Temple!" Navi complained. "Haven't we waited long enough? With every second we wait, Ganondorf may become more and more powerful! And that's not even what the village is called! It's called Kakariko!"

"Well somebody's being naggy today," Saria stated.

"Be quiet, Saria!"

-

"GRAVEROBBING TIME!" Link cheered, heading to the graveyard and pulling Saria with him. "Let's pull back the new grave!"

Link pulled back the grave of the gravekeeper. There was a hole under it.

"Cool!" Link jumped into it.

A half hour later…

"I'm back!" Link said, holding up the Hookshot.

"What is that thing?" Saria asked, pointing to the item.

"It's the item I won for racing a ghost in the grave!"

"… You raced a ghost?"

Flashback!

"Yeh heh heh!" the gravekeeper's ghost laughed. "I won!"

"NOO!" Link screamed. He took out a vacuum and sucked up the ghost. He stole the Hookshot from the chest and made his escape out of the grave.

End of Flashback!

"And I won!" Link told Saria.

"Now are we going to the Forest Temple?" Navi asked.

"Yes, Navi, yes," Saria replied.

"Finally."

* * *

**Posting these chapters is kind of complicated, just so you know. The original file's font is Palantino as opposed to Helvetica, and the whole thing is centered. I try to put that on here, and it messes up A LOT, and I try to fix it, and then the font screws up, and the size.**

**So I had a new plan, where I would copy it off that forum I had put it on previously, and it would automatically be on the left side and in Helvetica, so that was easier. But for some reason, that forum puts asterisks after only some of the "…"s, so I have to move the file here and take them off, and…**

**Okay, I'll shut up now. Peace.**


	6. The Grand Master at Picking Locks

**Man am I glad that this is actually funny. I kind of think it's terrible compared to my later stories, but that's just because this entire story is humor when the later ones have a bit more emotion and more like humor with the team interacting with each other rather than the team doing completely insane things all the time. (Well, that's not for a while)**

**Anyway, that was a bad explanation of my later stories so it doesn't really matter. They're still crazy in the sequels.**

**Oh yeah, and I think Saria's part cat. She keeps hissing at everyone.**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 6: The Grand Master At Picking Locks

_Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link stole the Hookshot, Navi was naggy, Saria predicted Ingo's actions and the three got Epona. _

_Now for Chapter Six._

"Oh no! Ganondorf has taken over the Kokiri Forest too!" Link exclaimed once they entered the forest. "Monsters are everywhere!"

"Not for long!" Saria said, drawing her sword and cutting a giant Deku Baba. It grew back immediantly. "Well crap."

"I guess they'll go away once we beat the Forest Temple," Navi suggested.

"To the Forest Temple!"

"Halt! Stop right there!" Mido yelled, blocking their way to one of the paths in the Lost Woods. "Have you some kind of business at the Forest Temple?"

"Yes," Saria replied.

"Well I can't let you pass! I promised Saria that I would never… let…" Mido glanced at Saria. "Oh."

"What the heck are you talking about? You didn't promise Saria anything, she's been gone this whole time," Link stated.

"LINK!" Saria shouted.

"Oh yeah. So you can't pass!" Mido said. Saria hissed at him and before he knew it he was pinned to the ground with a sword at his neck. "Okay okay okay! You can go through!"

Saria sheathed her sword, "Honestly, Mido. Why do you do such stupid things?" (Yeah, honestly Saria, why do you do such ridiculously violent things?)

"I think the Forest Temple was right around…" Saria started as they entered the Sacred Forest Meadow. "Here, at the end of the meadow."

"You've been there before?" Navi asked.

"No, but I've been here before. Where else is it going to be besides the end of the Lost Woods?"

"In a mysterious hole with mountains of pie and cream puffs surrounding it?" Link said.

"… No…"

"Look! A giant pig!" Link pointed to one of the Moblins in the narrow paths. "Maybe he has pie."

"Wait, Link-!" Navi started.

Link walked up to the Moblin, "Hello there! Do you have any pie?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!" the Moblin replied, holding up an apple pie. "I'm not going to be eating it becasue I'm supposed to be guarding the temple, so you can have it if you want!"

"Wow! Thanks!" Link took the pie from the Moblin. "I'm off to the temple now. Do you mind lifting me up there so I can easily avoid the rest of the monsters?"

"Sure thing!" The Moblin put Link onto the ledge where none of the Moblins could see him.

"Thanks!"

"Wait a second… Oh crap, Ganondorf is going to fire me."

Right when they entered the meadow, Sheik dropped from the sky.

"Ah! Raining ninjas!" Link screamed.

"The flow of time is always cruel," Sheik said. "Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it. A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days… In order to come back here again, play the Minuet of Forest." Sheik took out his harp.

"What does that have to do with the memory of younger days?" Saria asked.

"I have no idea. I was given a script. Now play the Minuet of Forest already." Sheik played the Minuet of Forest on the harp and Saria played it on her ocarina.

"So this song basically lets us warp whenever we want?"

"Yes."

"What's the point of that? If we're already here, that's useless."

"What if you're doing a side quest?"

"Meh."

"Saria, you're here all the time," Navi said. "You used to sneak out here and play your ocarina for hours."

"I SAID MEH!"

Navi sighed.

"It's the Forest Temple," Navi said. "Who knows what we might face."

"HOLY CRAP! What is that?" Saria yelled and pointed to a bunch of Poes taking fire from torches near an elevator. They all went their seperate ways. "What just happened?"

"FOLLOW THEM GHOSTIES!" Link yelled.

"But we don't know where the heck they went."

"WHATEVER!"

After many puzzles later, they finally made it to the mini boss room. A Stalfos dropped from the ceiling.

"AH! LIVING DEAD!" Link screamed.

"… Where did it just come from…?" Navi wondered, looking at the ceiling. There was absolutely nothing up there except for the ceiling itself.

"Oh crap!" the Stalfos yelled. "They're finding us out!"

Suddenly the Stalfos disappeared and a chest appeared in the middle of the room. Unfortuently, there was a hole in the middle of the room and it fell down.

"Oh snap," Navi muttered.

"NOO! MY TREASURE CHEST!" Link cried. He jumped down the hole.

"… Did Link just commit suicide for a chest?" Saria asked. No, he didn't. He simply dived down a hole, smart one.

_**Link got a Fairy Bow!**_

"Wow!" Link's voice echoed. "There's a basement and I see a boss door! But it's locked!"

"Well crap." Saria paused. "Well maybe if we just picked the lock a bit…"

A few minutes later, Saria and Navi were both in the basement as well with a giant lock lying on the floor.

"I'm the grand master at picking locks," Saria laughed.

"What!" Navi yelled. "If you're a master at picking locks, why couldn't we have just picked all the other locks we've found instead of us wasting time finding keys?!"

"Too lazy to."

Navi sighed. (How can you be too lazy to pick a lock but not too lazy to find the actual key?)

The door opened and the three entered the room. They walked up a staircase and into an area with a bunch of paintings surrounding it. 2-D spikes shot up behind them.

"Oh crap," Saria muttered. "That can't be good."

"Muahahaha, I am evil!" Ganondorf said, appearing out of no where.

"Ganondorf? Aren't you supposed to be the final boss?"

"Actually…" Ganondorf took off a mask to reveal a skull on fire. "I'm his phantom. The more pathetic version."

"OH NOEZ!" Link screamed. "DIE DIE DIE!" He constantly threw bombs at Phantom Ganondorf until he was defeated.

"Good Din!" Ganondorf's voice muttered. "That was way too easy! That phantom was a worthless creation! I will banish it in the gap between dimensions!"

"Is that even allowed?" Navi asked.

"I don't know, but it's possible because I'm evil! Muahahahahaha!"

Phantom Ganondorf's burning body was thrown into a black hole. Then a Heart Container appeared in the middle of the room.

_**Link got a Heart Container!**_

"Yay!" Link cheered. Then he skipped into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.

"YOU'RE THE SAGE?" Link and Navi gasped, looking at Saria in front of them, on the Forest Sage platform.

"Yes, turns out I'm the Sage of the Forest…" Saria stated.

"You're supposed to give them a medallion," Rauru said.

"What's the point? I already travel with them so giving them a medallion is utterly useless. I can just hold onto it."

"You have to give them a medallion. It doesn't exist until you give it to them."

"Oh, whatever."

_**Link got the Forest Medallion!**_

"Oh yay!" Link cheered. "And it smells refreshingly like mint!"

"Really, Link? Really?" Navi said.

Then they were teleported back to the Kokiri Forest in the Great Deku Tree's meadow.

"Oh… Great Deku Tree…" Link began to cry when he saw the dead and grey Deku Tree.

"Wait a second…" Navi started. "If he died with his mouth open and it stayed open…*How is it closed again?"

"They probably just don't want you to go back into the first dungeon in the future," Saria said.

Link sobbed as he walked closer to the dead Deku Tree. Then, suddenly, a plant popped up in front of him, knocking him back.

"Hi there!" the plant greeted. "I'm the Deku Tree sprout!"

"The Great Deku Tree has a child?" Navi asked.

"Because you and Saria broke the curse on the Forest Temple, I can grow and flourish! Thanks a lot! Have you seen your old friends? None of them recognized you with your grown up body, did they?"

"I didn't ever talk to any of them," Link said, but the sprout ignored him.

"That's because Kokiri never grow up! Even after seven years, they're still kids!"

"Like Never Land children!"

"You must be wondering why only you have grown up! Well, as you might have already guessed, you are not a Kokiri! You are actually a Hylian! I am happy to finally reveal this secret to you!"

"WUT?"

"What do you mean, finally?" Saria asked.

"I inherit all the Great Deku Tree's knowledge," the Deku Tree sprout told her.

"Then can you tell me where the Great Deku Tree hid my burrito that one day long ago?"

"He threw it into a dimensional portal where it hit Doctor Doofenshmirtz in the head."

"Our dimension is connected to the Phineas and Ferb dimension?"

"I don't know…"

"YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY INHERIT THE INFORMATION! YOU JUST STOLE THE DEKU TREE'S JOURNAL THAT HE APPARENTLY HAD!"

"Whatever! Anyway, some time ago, before the King of Hyrule unified this country, there was a fierce war in our world. One day, to escape from the fires of the war, a Hylian mother and her baby boy entered this forbidden forest. The mother was gravely injured… Her only choice was to entrust the child to the Deku Tree, the guardian spirit of the forest. The Deku Tree could sense that this was a child of destiny, whose fate would affect the entire world, so he took in into the forest. After the mother passed away, the baby was raised as a Kokiri. And now, finally, the day of destiny has come!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Link asked, playing cards with Navi and Saria.

"Oh, for the love of… Just go and save Hyrule from Ganondorf."

"Okee dokee!"

And they set off to the exit of the forest.

* * *

**Um… that was interesting. I feel like this story is barely rated K+ sometimes just because of Saria.**

**Oh well, it doesn't really matter. I needed a person whose sanity was questioned in a different way than Link's. (… for some reason.)**

**Peace ;)**


	7. Bang Bang Maxwell's Silver Hammer

**In the last chapter, there was a problem with the scene transitions. They all disappeared for some reason, and then they disappeared again when I tried to fix them. Weird…**

**In this chapter, Link will brutally kill a dragon with a Beatles reference.**

**I don't own The Legend of Zelda or Maxwell's Silver Hammer.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 7: Bang Bang Maxwell's Silver Hammer

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was dumb, Navi was boring, Saria revealed her secret powers of picking locks and Ganondorf stated his evilosity._

_Now for Chapter Seven._

"WEEE! WE'RE RIDING A HORSE! YAYZ!" Link cheered as Epona galloped across the field to Kakariko Village. "WE'RE GOING TO KAKAKAKAKOKOKOKO VILLAGE!"

"It's freakin' Kakariko for the last time!" Navi yelled.

"I think that maybe we should do some side quests before we go to the Fire Temple," Saria said.

"NO SIDE QUESTS!" Link shouted.

"I'm serious, Link! What if they really help us?"

"Meh meh meh!"

The minute they entered Kakariko Village, Saria and Navi found Link talking to Anju.

"I've bred a new type of Cucco!" Anju said. "I call it the Pocket Cucco because it's really small. You seem like a good Cucco raiser, why don't you take one and tell me later how its doing? I'll give you a prize that will lead you into a very long side quest!"

"Really?" Link asked. "Of course I'll do it!"

Navi and Saria sighed.

_**Link borrowed the Pocket Egg!**_

"Come and tell me when it hatches!" Anju told him.

"Where did all these rocks come from?" Link wondered as they started up the trail to Death Mountain. A rolling boulder crushed him. "AUGH! IT'S SO AGONIZING!"

"Oh my Din! Where are all the Gorons?" Link gasped.

"Look, there's one right there," Saria said and pointed to one rapidly rolling around the 3rd floor.

"Hey! Stop!" Link jumped in the way of the Goron. It turned around.

"We're going to have to go the rough way…" Saria pulled out the bomb bag.

After many failures in trying to stop the Goron with a bomb, they finally caught him and made him stop.

"How could you do this to me?" the Goron asked, still rolled up. "You, you're Ganondorf's servant! Hear my name and tremble! I am Link! Hero of the Gorons!"

"You dare steal my name?" Link said to the Goron.

"What? Your name is also Link?" Link the Goron unrolled. "Then you must be the legendary Dodongo Buster and Hero, Link! My dad is Darunia… Do you remember him? Dad named me Link after you, because you're so brave!"

"LIAR!" Saria yelled. "How could he possibly say that?"

"What?"

"I'm the one who destroyed the Dodongos! Link did absolutely nothing!"

"But… but… He's never done anything?"

"He did kill Phantom Ganondorf all by himself," Navi said.

"But he's not a Dodongo Buster, is he."

"Don't worry, kiddo. At least it's not a dumb name like Hippy."

"Why would my dad name me that?"

"It's part of the game. Darunia automatically names you whatever Link's name was no matter how dumb it is."

"Wow."

"So where are all the Gorons?"

"They all got kidnapped and locked up in the Fire Temple while my dad out shopping for pie."

"I thought you only ate rocks," Saria stated.

"He wanted to try something different for a change. Anyway, all the Gorons are going to be fed to the evil dragon Volvagia if we don't save them! My dad tried to go and save them, but he hasn't come back yet. I'm really worried about him! I'll give you these heat resistant clothes so you can help!"

_**Link and Saria got Goron Tunics!**_

"Weird, you designed them in our exact clothes," Saria spoke.

"We did that on purpose just in case."

Link stood there for a moment, "… How the heck did you predict what my size was going to be when I was seventeen?"

"I didn't make them, okay? Now get a move on to the Fire Temple. It's in Death Mountain Crater. There's a secret passage from my dad's room behind a giant statue."

"The one he always stands in front of?" Navi asked.

"Yeah. Now please, just hurry up. I don't want our race to become extinct."

"Okay!" Link said, skipping to Darunia's room, unfortunetly forgetting about the stairs and crashing down onto the 2nd floor.

Once they entered into the Death Mountain Crater and made it past a broken bridge using the Hookshot(which took absolutely forever because Link has horrible aim), Sheik dropped down from the sky.

"Where did you just come from?" Saria asked. "You just fell in front of us but there's no ceiling. Same thing for back at the Sacred Forest Meadow."

"I have my ways," Sheik replied.

"Hey! I just realized I'm kind of hungry." Saria took out some marshmallows. Because of how hot it was in there, they all roasted very quickly over the lava.

"How can you ever be hungry again after eating Jabu Jabu?" Navi asked.

"Meh."

"Anyway…" Sheik started. "It is something that grows over time… a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger over time… The passion of friendship will know which way to go… This song is dedicated to the power of the heart… Listen to the Bolero of Fire." Sheik pulled out his harp and played a tune.

Seconds passed.

"What? Play the dumb song on your ocarina already!"

"You told us to listen to the song, not play it," Saria said.

"PLAY THE SONG!"

"Okay okay!" Saria took out her ocarina and played the song.

"This song will warp you back here. I'll see you again, unfortunetly…" Sheik tossed a Deku Nut and vanished.

"I don't think he likes us…" Link stated.

"Oh well, let's go and beat the Fire Temple," Navi spoke.

"OH MY CRAP!" Darunia screamed once Link, Saria and Navi entered the room in the Fire Temple. "I haven't seen you guys for seven years! Where the heck have you been?"

"Sealed in the Sacred Realm," Saria replied.

"Anyway, no time to talk now. My people are in danger of being eaten! I have to go slay the dragon. I don't have the hammer, but I guess I'll try and get through…"

"Wait! Can't we go kill the dragon instead? At least we're armed."

"I'm the leader of the Gorons! I have to be the one to kill the dragon. Now go free all the Gorons while I try to kill the dragon."

Darunia went into the locked boss door and locked it behind him.

"What the crap…" Saria muttered.

"Well, looks like we have to go save all the Gorons," Navi said.

"What's the point of that? Can't we just break into the boss room like we did the last temple?" Link asked.

"No, we need the weapon we find in this temple."

"The hammer?"

"Probably."

After many long and boring puzzles, they finally got to the treasure chest with the item in it.

Link lifted the lid of the chest.

_**Link got Maxwell's Silver Hammer!**_

"Cool," Saria said.

Once they got back down into the room where they met Darunia, Saria started picking the lock to the boss door with the Kokiri Sword.

"It's so unfair how Darunia went right through the door like it was a normal, unlocked door," Navi said.

"He needed to get in somehow," Saria replied.

There was a click and the lock fell on top of Link.

"… Ow," Link mumbled.

After five minutes of trying to get the lock off of Link, they finally managed to and entered the boss room.

"I don't see Darunia anywhere," Navi stated.

"Maybe he fell in the lava and was burnt to crisp," Link suggested.

"Oh come on, Link. Everybody knows that Gorons can walk on lava," Saria told him.

"I didn't!" Navi yelled.

"Well, whatever. Now you know."

Once they jumped over a platform and onto the big one with many lava holes on it, the one behind them sank.

"Well crap. Looks like we won't be going back."

All of a sudden, Volvagia popped out of one of the lava holes.

"How deep are those things?" Link asked. From experiances in the temple, he knew that they could walk on lava for a few seconds with that tunic on. He put his foot in it. It sank about half an inch. Then he pulled it out again.

"Duuuuuuuuuuude…" Saria said. "How the crap is Volvagia fitting into those things?"

"Muahahahaha!" Volvagia laughed, its head sticking out of one of the holes. "I am evil!"

"We know. Now go kill him, Link."

Link pulled out Maxwell's Silver Hammer and hid it behind his back, "Hey dragon thing, I have a present for you…"

"Really? Where is it?" Volvagia asked as Link walked closer towards him.

"Just close your eyes and don't move and I'll give it to you!"

"Oh boy!" Volvagia covered his eyes. Link smashed it in the head with the hammer over and over. "AUGH!"

"You've been pwned!" Link hit it one more time and it flew in the air, burnt to crisp and its bones fell to the ground.

"Wow," Saria exclaimed. "I didn't expect that kind of death from a hammer."

_**Link got a Heart Container!**_

"You did it, Link!" Navi said. "Now let's go to the Chamber of Sages so that we can get out of this dumb temple!" Navi shoved him into the blue light where they appeared back in the Chamber of Sages with Darunia in front of him.

"Just as I thought," Saria stated. "I knew Darunia would be the Sage of Fire. Who else would it be anyway?"

"Biggoron?" Darunia suggested.

"You're the sage! You're not supposed to suggest things."

"Hey, I just remembered something!" Link exclaimed.

"Remembered what?"

"Remember back in that scene cut when I disappeared and when I knew what we were supposed to do without me listening?"

_Flashback!_

"Hey, where's Link?" Saria wondered once they entered the Goron City.

Somehow, Link had gotten behind some rocks near them. He put on a secret agent hat over his own hat and ran into a nearby room.

"LIIIINK!" a background voice said.

Link sat down in a chair.

"Agent Link, Doctor Ganondorf is up to his old tricks again," a giant Goron spoke. "He's blocked up the food storage of the Gorons and filled it with Dodongos so now we're starving to death. Go destroy that boulder and kill the Dodongos and the leader will surely reward you. Good luck, Agent Link!"

And with that, Link ran back out of the room, took off the hat and walked back up to Saria and Navi.

"Oh there you are, Link," Saria said.

Link made a platypus noise.

End of Flashback!

"A giant Goron told you what to do and you remembered?" Saria asked disbelievingly.

"You aren't actually a secret agent, are you?" Navi questioned.

"The secret agent part was just to be funny."

"ANYWAY…" Darunia started. "Accept this medallion."

_**Link got the Fire Medallion!**_

"Wow! It feels warm!" Link exclaimed in a Pikachu-like voice. What?

And Link, Navi and Saria were warped out of the Chamber of Sages. They appeared back in Death Mountain Crater.

"So I guess we're going to the Water Temple now," Navi stated.

Thunder boomed in the background.

* * *

**The Water Temple of doom comes up in… a few chapters! Yeah, they KIND OF do a side quest, but it'll totally be worth it.**

**My little brother keeps screaming at a video game in another room. Let me tell you, it is not putting me in a good mood.**

**Peace…**


	8. Mustardious Mushroom

**Yeah, I'm well aware of the fact that it keeps saying "Legend of Crap" in the title instead of The Bizarre Saga. That's just a little problem that I keep forgetting to fix, and it's entirely my fault, so sorry about that. I'll try to pay a little more attention when I'm uploading chapters ^^;**

**It's just that I got used to it being called Legend of Crap so I didn't notice when I had to change the chapter titles. It's complicated, really.**

**In this chapter, and old hag will talk strangely, Saria will rob someone and the team will start doing Biggoron's side quest because they don't want to go to the Water Temple.**

**I still don't own The Legend of Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 8: Mustardious Mushroom

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was crushed by a rock, Navi was pretty boring, Saria roasted marshmallows and really nothing exciting happened._

_Now for Chapter Eight._

"Soooo…" Saria started. "Because the Water Temple seems kind of dramatic, I really think we should do side quests to prepare first."

"Fine, fine, fine," Link muttered.

Suddenly Navi flew over to a bunch of rocks.

"What's up, Navi?"

"…?" Navi looked at the rocks confusingly.

"Would you mind talking?" Saria asked, annoyed.

"I think there's something behind these rocks."

"Maybe there is!" Link said. He ran over to the rocks and hit them with Maxwell's Silver Hammer until they broke. There was a cave behind them. "Ooh! Navi, you have magic senses!"

"I'm a fairy, you idiot. Of course I have magic senses."

One step into the cave and they all saw they're worst fear.

A Great Fairy Fountain.

"NOOOOOO!" Link, Navi and Saria all screamed.

The Great Fairy came out of the fountain. "Oh my goodness! I haven't had a visitor since a Goron came in here seven years ago. Then he got so scared when he saw me that he covered the entrance of my fountain with rocks so nobody would ever have to see me again. I wonder why?" the Great Fairy said.

"Because you're a freakin' nude," Saria replied. "And you're hideous!"

"I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom by the way! Accept this gift I am going to present to you for visiting me! It's going to be really good because it's been so long!"

_**Link and Saria got bigger Magic Meters!**_

"But we hardly ever use magic!" Link stated.

"It'll be useful later in life, when you get magic arrows."

"We get magic arrows? Awesome! When?"

The Great Fairy cackled hideously and went back into the fountain.

"…" The trio was silent.

-

"Okay, so now where are we heading?" Navi asked.

"I dunno," Link replied.

Suddenly Death Mountain erupted a bunch of volcano dust. A man stuck on a rooftop fell back in surprise. But because this is a parody, I'll have him fall off the roof instead.

"AUGH! MAH BACK!" the man screeched.

-

"Why the heck are we back at the Temple of Time?" Navi asked.

"I had a sudden sensation to come here," Link said, walking into the room behind the Door of Time. Sheik was there. "How long have you been waiting here?"

"I've been here ever since you went forward in time. I have clones to stalk you," Sheik replied sarcastically.

"Seriously?!"

"No. I just got here five minutes ago. Did you seriously think I have clones?"

"Well, I thought maybe you were Naruto or something for a second."

"Whatever. I'm here because I need to tell you something important."

"Like what?"

"You pulled out the Master Sword and went forward in time seven years, right?"

"Yeah."

"Has it ever occured to you what might happen if you put the sword back?"

"Nope."

Sheik sighed, "If you put the sword back, you go backward in time seven years."

"How does that make sense?" Navi asked. "Actually, I think it'll be better off if I don't ask that question."

"Times will come when you need to travel back in time. In order to return here, play the Prelude of Light." Sheik took his harp out and played the Prelude of Light.

"Oh, so there's a song for here too?"

Saria pulled her ocarina out and repeated it.

"I'll see you again," Sheik said. He tossed a Deku Nut and vanished into thin air. Or he just hid on the ceiling until the left because it isn't really possible to disappear that quickly.

"So where now?" Saria questioned.

"You wanted to do side quests, you tell me," Link said. "Gasp!"

_**The egg Link was incubating hatched!**_

The Pocket Cucco crowed.

"Hey! Let's go back to Kakariko Village and tell the cucco lady," Saria suggested.

-

"Why do I hear incredibly loud snoring coming from this house?" Navi wondered.

"Maybe Talon doesn't know Ingo went back to normal," Link stated.

"How would you know if Ingo went back to normal?"

"Well, actually… Y'know how I disappeared on the way to the Temple of Time?"

"Hey, where's Link?" Saria wondered.

Link snuk behind a tree, put on a secret agent hat and a hole appeared in the tree. He fell into it and appeared back in that room from the Goron City.

"Agent Link," the same Goron started. "Docter Ganondorf's evil mother and aunt had brainwashed Ingo from the Lon Lon Ranch. Since you took that horse from the ranch, he has returned to normal. If you ever find Talon, tell him that he can go back. That is all."

Link fell through a hole and appeared back in Hyrule Field.

"Oh, there you are Link," Saria said. "Where were you?"

"The secret agent thing again?" Navi asked.

"Yeah," Link answered. "Just forget it. I know that Ingo is back to normal."

They walked into the house where the loud snoring was coming from Talon was sleeping on a bed.

"Goodness!" a woman yelled. "He's been sleeping ever since he got here and won't wake up to anything. How, I have absolutely no idea!"

"How long has he been here?" Navi asked, probably going to regret the answer.

"A WHOLE FREAKING YEAR!"

Link, Navi and Saria stared at Talon, wide eyed.

"That is almost as scary as the Great Fairy," Saria stated.

"Hahaha, you rhymed," Link giggled.

"Shut up."

"WAKEY WAKEY!" Link took out his Pocket Cucco. It crowed so loudly that Ganondorf could hear it from his castle.

"What in tarnation!?" Talon yelled, getting up immediantly. "Can't you let a guy get a little shut eye around here?!"

"NO!" everybody in the room screamed immediantly.

"You've been sleeping for an entire year!" the woman shouted.

"Ingo took over the Lon Lon Ranch and they call it Ingo Ranch nowawayds. I was kicked out of there, and look at me now! My girl, Malon, still works at the ranch. I'm worried about her…" Talon said.

"That's why we woke you up! Ingo is back to normal!" Link told him.

"You saved Malon? Thanks! I'm goin' back to the ranch, then! Yeehah!" Talon broke down the door by running into it and left the village.

"… I'm shocked," the woman stated.

"Yeah. He sleeps for a year and has the energy of somebody who who just drank two whole bottles of soda."

"What about two whole bottles of soda?" Link asked, chugging down the last of a bottle of soda. "This is my second one."

"Oh crap."

-

"Hey! Miss Cucco Lady person!" Link called. "The Cucco hatched." He held out the cucco in his hands.

"Oh, your Cucco looks pretty happy! He must awakenened an extremely lazy guy!" Anju stated.

"Yes. Yes he did."

"You're a good Cucco Keeper! I'll give you a rare, valuable Cucco, if you're interested…*Its name is Cojiro, and it used to be my brother's Cucco. Its blue body is quite charming. It's so cute! Since my brother has gone, it's strange, but Cojiro has stopped crowing."

"Well maybe he's sad, duh," Saria said.

"Do you want to keep Cojiro?"

"Okay! Awesome!"

_**Link returned the Pocket Cucco and got Cojiro in return!**_

"Please take good care of him!" Anju said.

"Hey! I want to test out a song that I learned from Sheik!" Link stated and took out the Ocarina of Time. He played the Minuet of Forest and the three appeared at the Sacred Forest Meadow. "Well whaddaya know! It works!"

"So how are we going to get back to Kakariko?"

Suddenly Cojiro crowed.

"Ah! The cucco lady lied to me!" Link exclaimed. "She said the cucco didn't crow anymore."

Then Cojiro crowed again.

"Stop crowing. It's loud!" Navi ordered.

Cojiro crowed again. He hopped out of Link's arms and started to fly down the path, even though chickens aren't supposed to fly. I guess Cuccos are different.

"Follow the flying cucco!" Link said. He chased Cojiro away. He was so occupied at chasing the Cucco that he completely ignored and avoided the giant Moblin.

-

Much time later, he finally got into a certain part of the woods. An ugly man was sitting by a tall stump. Cojiro crowed loudest of all.

"Cojiro? Why? Normally only a nice guy like me can tame you… Which means…" the ugly punk guy started.

"I didn't tame him, I've only had him for a little while…" Link said, but the guy ignored him.

"You… You must be a nice guy! Must be! You must be!"

"Oh yeah, I'm super nice! I'm so nice that Ganondorf seems evil!"

"Link, Ganondorf _is_ evil," Navi told him.

"ANYWAY! Please Mr. Nice Guy! Please! Deliver this stuff to the old hag in the potion shop in Kakariko Village!" the punk guy pleaded.

"What potion shop? I don't remember there being a potion shop there," Link stated. "The potion shop in Castle Town may have moved there, though. Maybe the old hag is a part time worker-"

"Be quiet. There is another potion shop in Kakariko Village that is owned by an old hag. It's behind the one your talking about. Now take this mushroom to the old hag! This will disappear if you take too long, so you gotta hurry!"

"Okay!"

_**Link got an Odd Mushroom!**_

"A fresh mushroom like this is sure to spoil quickly," Saria told Link. "Take it to the Kakariko Potion Shop, quick!"

"But my Cucco!" Link complained, looking at Cojiro in the punk guy's arms.

"COME ON!" Saria dragged him out.

-

"Hey, old hag person! We brought you a mushroom," Saria stated, walking up to the old lady. She held it out. "Hurry up and use it before it spoils."

"Sniff sniff sniff!" the old lady said. "What a mustardious smell! You must have something!"

"Mustardious? What the crap?"

"What? It smells like mustard."

Saria sniffed the mushroom. "I've lived in the forest all my life and I never realized that… Anyway, some weird punk guy in the woods gave us this mushroom and told us to give it to you."

"… That bum! He had to go into the forest…"

"JUST TAKE THE DUMB MUSHROOM BEFORE WE RUN OUT OF TIME!"

"… I see." The old hag took the mushroom and dumped it into a cauldron. "If you see that foof, give this to him. It is the strongest medicine I have ever produced. However, this potion will not work on a monster…"

_**Saria recieved an Odd Potion!**_

"Now take it to that foof."

"Foof? You're a weird old hag…" Saria stated.

"SHADDAP FOOF AND GIVE IT TO HIM!"

"Okay, okay…"

-

"Hey! Ugly punk… guy…" Link started, running into the area where he was. The guy wasn't there anymore. Instead, there was a Kokiri. "Oh my Din! You were dressed up as the punk guy so that you could get us to make that potion and then you would steal it from us!"

"What the heck are you talking about?" the Kokiri, named Fado, asked. "That guy isn't here anymore. Anybody who comes into the forest will be lost. Everybody will become a Stalfos. Everybody, Stalfos. So, he's not here anymore. Only his saw is left. Hee hee."

"How come you aren't a Stalfos then?"

"Because I'm a Kokiri."

"Hey!" a Skull Kid yelled. "If everybody becomes Stalfos, how do Skull Kids turn up?"

"It's all complicated, and I won't bother explaining."

"So anyway… Why are you here?" Navi questioned.

"Hey! That potion is made of forest mushrooms! Give it back!" Fado tried to snatch the potion from Saria.

"EXCUSE ME! Stealing things from fellow Kokiri?" Saria gasped. "What do you want with this potion?"

"It's made of forest mushrooms."

"I live here. I have a right to have a potion with forest mushrooms in it."

"Saria," Navi started. "What do you plan on doing with that potion if that guy has turned into a Stalfos and you don't even know what it does?"

"What does she plan on doing with it? She respects Mido. You can't trust people who respect Mido."

"This is part of a side quest, Saria. You have to give her the potion."

"Fine. Take the dumb potion." Saria shoved the potion into Fado's face and stole the saw. She sprinted to the exit.

_**Saria returned the Odd Potion and stole the Poacher's Saw! **_

"Hey! I was going to keep that saw!" Fado yelled.

"Screw you!" Saria shouted back.

* * *

**I think that in the next chapter, I was going to make a joke about Saria not being able to use the saw because every time she took it out, it would say "You can't use this here" or something, so she wanted to get rid of it. But I didn't end up using it for whatever reason. Maybe it was a different story…?**

**Peace.**


	9. Goro-Cops and a Flamethrower

**Man, FF is being so messed up sometimes. I'll press the delete button a few times and IT WON'T STOP DELETING! Maybe it's just the computer, but it doesn't make sense this this computer is relatively new! I think all the text shrank too while I was trying to fix it…**

**I rant a lot. Just ignore little mistakes like that, please? I don't own Legend of Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 9: Goro-Cops and a Flamethrower

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link thought Sheik was Naruto, Navi was boring again, Saria stole a saw and Talon had been sleeping for a year._

_Now for Chapter Nine._

"So where are we taking this saw?" Navi asked Saria once they entered Hyrule Field.

Saria held up the saw, "I don't know. Maybe we should ask the carpenters if they need another one."

"Why did you steal it if you're not even going to do anything with it?!"

"Because Fado respects Mido!"

"Good point."

Saria went into a random phone booth. She took out a blue rupee and put it in.

"I don't remember that being there…" Link stated.

"Hello!" Saria greeted into the phone. "Is this the carpenters?"

"Yes! This is Mutoh the boss of the carpenters! How may we help you?" the person on the phone questioned.

"Are phones supposed to exist yet?" Link asked Navi.

"I don't think so…" Navi replied.

"Well, I just found this saw laying around in the woods. I picked it up and realized I didn't have anything to do with it, so I wondered if you guys needed another one," Saria told Mutoh.

"YES!" Mutoh yelled instantly. Saria almost dropped the phone. "We're in Gerudo Valley, right near the beginning. If you don't know where that is, it's near Lake Hylia on the south east corner of Hyrule Field. Since postage won't be invented until Majora's Mask, bring it right over! One more thing-"

"Okay!" Saria hung up before Mutoh could finish his sentence. "To Gerudo Valley!"

-

Link, Navi and Saria stared at the broken bridge.

Yes, there was a bridge. The tent where the carpenters was right across. But the bridge was broken.

"WHAT THE CRAP!" Saria yelled.

"You didn't let me finish my sentence that other time!" Mutoh shouted from the other side of the bridge. "I was going to tell you the bridge was broken! We needed another saw because my carpenters have all gone to Gerudo's Fortress to become thieves because they didn't like being carpenters anymore! I would build it myself, except I didn't have a saw!"

Saria climbed onto Epona. "All right, giddy-up!" Epona began to run towards the ditch.

"Oh my Farore!" Link screamed.

Epona jumped right over and landed clean on the other side.

"Good Epona!" Saria said and fed Epona a carrot. "Here, have the saw!"

Saria handed the saw to Mutoh.

"Hey, wait a second…" Mutoh started. "This is my saw!"

"What?" Saria asked. "How the heck is that even possible?"

"Some punk guy stole it from me. My Biggoron tool broke, so I was going to the Goron City to get it repaired. Your coming here is great timing!"

Saria traded the Poacher's Saw for a Broken Goron's Sword!

"What the crap. You gave me a broken sword," Saria stated.

"If you go to the Goron City, you can get it repaired. I guess that swords aren't meant to be used for building stuff."

"To the Goron City!" Link said.

-

"Excuse me!" Saria called to a nearby Goron. "Do you know where Biggoron is?"

"Oh, him? He's so big he can't even fit in the city, so he's sitting on top of the mountain," the Goron answered. "Don't be afraid of him. He won't eat you."

"Sitting on top of the mountain?" Navi said. "How the crap could I never have seen him?"

"He has to hide himself so he doesn't freak the crap out of people."

ON TOP OF DEATH MOUNTAIN…

"Hello! Biggoron person! You there?" Link asked.

A huuuuuuuuge Goron put his hand up and pulled himself into sight. Then he started rubbing his eyes like crazy.

"Hello," Biggoron greeted with an echoey voice due to his size.

"Hey! You shouldn't be rubbing your eyes like that," Navi told him. "It's not good for them."

Saria held out the broken sword, "Can you fix my sword?"

"What kind of sword is it?" Biggoron questioned.

"A broken sword that you apparently made. I got it from a weird fat guy named Mutoh."

"I didn't make that sword, my brother Monogoron made it. That's why it broke."

"Monogoron makes swords?" Link gasped. "How could I have not found out about this?"

"I'm pretty sure his name is Medigoron," Saria stated. "At least that's what the character list said."

"Saria, Monogoron is that Goron Link keeps mentioning whenever he talks about one of those secret agent things he does. His name is Monogoron in this story."

"Oh, I see."

"Well, anyway, I would fix the sword for you, but I can't," Biggoron told them. "I'm practically blind right now. When that huge burst of volcano dust came out last chapter, some got in my eyes, so I can't see."

"Is there any way we can help?" Navi asked.

"Yes. There are fine eyedrops in Zora's Domain… You will find them if you go see King Zora. Please go get the eyedrops…"

"Sure thing! But the only problem is, you may have to wait a while because we might have to beat the Water Temple first."

"NO! NAVI, I WANT MY SWORD!" Saria yelled, holding up the broken sword. "I CAN'T STAB THINGS WITH THIS!"

"Actually, you probably could…"

"SHUT UP! IT WON'T BE VERY EFFECTIVE!"

"Please don't tell me you just drank a can of soda while I wasn't looking."

"YER DARN RIGHT I DID!" Saria held up the empty can of Pepsi. She crushed it and threw it on the ground.

Suddenly an alarm went off.

"LITTERER!" a voice shouted. Two Gorons wearing police hats walked up and dragged her away.

"NOOO!" Saria screamed.

MUCH TIME LATER…

Saria was tossed back onto the area where she had been before. Link and Navi were playing Go Fish.

"They made me stare at the Great Fairy for fifteen minutes!" Saria gasped, breathing heavily.

"You were gone way longer than that," Navi stated.

"I was just stating the worst part."

"Anyway!" Biggoron started. "Please go get the eyedrops!"

"OKAY!"

Saria checked in the Broken Goron's Sword and received a Prescription!

-

Once they got to Zora's River, it began to get colder. It was snowing once they got to the waterfall.

"Gah, it's freezing," Saria complained.

"Oh no!" Link exclaimed. "Doctor Ganondorf must have cursed this place with frozen-ness."

He took out his ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. The waterfall opened as usual. They hopped into the passageway and it got even colder.

"Crap! Why didn't I bring a coat?" Saria muttered.

"Because you didn't know it would be this cold," Link answered.

"Shut up."

They entered the domain. Somehow, it was snowing inside even though rock was covering up the ceiling. The water was all frozen. Even the other waterfall was frozen.

"WOO!" Link cheered. "Ice-skating time!" He pulled out a pair of ice-skates.

"Link! This is serious! Don't go ice-skating at a time like this!" Navi yelled. "We need to get the eyedrops for Biggoron and beat the Water Temple!"

"YEAH! I want my sword!" Saria told him.

"Fine…" Link mumbled, putting the ice-skates away.

"Knowing King Zora, his butt is probably frozen to the ledge he was sitting on. And we probably have to thaw him off or something."

Up the stairs in the throne room…

"Oh my Farore it's even worse than I thought," Saria stated. King Zora's entire body was encased in ice. Oddly, the ice was red.

"It's probably magical ice," Link stated.

"Riiiiiiiight…" Navi said. "It probably just has food coloring in it to make you think it's magical."

"Thank Nayru he isn't sitting back in front of the entrance to the fountain. It's probably where we need to go," Saria spoke.

-

"Ah! This place brings back memories!" Saria sighed, walking up to the spot where Jabu Jabu once was seven years ago. Surprisingly, the entire fountain was not frozen.

"Memories of you eating the Zora's guardian god," Navi muttered. "I'm surprised they didn't arrest you."

Sheik suddenly appeared out of no where holding a treasure chest, "ACTUALLY, I overheard them saying they were so glad he was gone before they all got frozen."

"What are you doing here?"

"The authoress decided that she wasn't going to put in Ice Cavern because she didn't want to, so she had me go through it myself and take this dumb chest to you instead." Sheik put the chest down and sighed. "I have no idea what's inside it, but it's really heavy."

"Why did all the Zoras get frozen?" Link asked.

"Ganondorf first just frozen the domain so they couldn't eat, but then he realized he'd already used that on the Gorons so he defrosted the water, waited for all the Zoras to go in for fish and then froze it again so they got stuck. Since King Zora never gets off his lazy butt, Ganondorf just trapped him in a block of magic ice."

"HA!" Link pointed at Navi in the face. "I knew it was magic!"

"Whatever!" Navi yelled.

"King Zora is lazy in a very strange way," Saria stated. "He never stands up, but he never sleeps."

"How do you know if he never sleeps?"

"I KNOW STUFF!"

"Let's see what's in the chest!" Link said. He opened the chest up.

Link got the Iron Boots!

"No wonder," Sheik muttered.

"Hey! There are two pairs!" Link exclaimed.

"Even more no wonder."

"Saria! Catch!" Link held up the smaller second pair.

"EEEEEK! NO!" Saria screamed. "Those are iron, you idiot!"

"Actually, they're only iron on the bottom…"

"Shut up." Saria took the pair from him. "What the crap? They aren't heavy!"

"?" Sheik stared. "Then…" He looked into the chest. It was filled with weights. "WHAT THE FREAK!"

"The Iron Boots are only supposed to be heavy when you're wearing them! It makes them easier to carry!" the authoress said. "I was just trying to make you think they were heavy."

Sheik groaned.

Link suddenly got a Miniature Flamethrower!

Everybody stared.

"Uhh… What the heck…" Link stammered.

"Since you need to go into Ice Cavern in order to get Blue Fire, I just gave you a miniature flamethrower for Blue Fire, it melts magic ice," the authoress told him. "Oh, and here's the Heart Piece you missed."

Link got a Heart Piece!

"This is all happening so suddenly and quickly…" Saria mumbled. "… Hey! Let's go thaw out King Zora and get the eyedrops so that I can fix the sword."

"Wait! You have to learn the Serenade of Water first so you can warp to the temple."

"Okay! Fine! Hurry up though!"

Sheik played the Serenade of Water on his harp. Saria repeated the song.

"OKAY! SWORD! NOW!" Saria didn't even give Sheik a chance to disappear before she did.

"…" Everybody was silent.

Back in the freezing cold Zora's Domain…

"I'MA FIRIN' MAH FIRE!" Link yelled. He fired some Blue Fire at the frozen King Zora and the ice thawed out immediantly.

King Zora didn't even notice at first. He just started doing his normal animation.

"Umm… Hello?"

"Oh-I've come back to life! Was it you who saved me?" King Zora asked, finally noticing them.

"Yep!"

"Don't be nervous!"

"I'm not!"

"We're going to the Water Temple," Navi told King Zora.

"The Water Temple?" he started. "It looks like you have a hard time breathing underwater."

"What?"

"As an expression of my gratitude, I grant you this tunic. With this, you won't choke underwater."

Link and Saria got Zora Tunics!

"… And again, they're designed in our exact clothing," Saria stated.

"Yep!" King Zora spoke. "Princess Ruto has gone to the temple of Lake Hylia and has not come back… I'm so worried… again!"

"How would you know that? You've been frozen this whole time!" Navi said.

"She left before they all got frozen under the water."

"WHOA WHOA WHOA!" Saria yelled. "What the crap? The domain was supposed to be frozen and Sheik was supposed to save Princess Ruto from the ice."

"It had to make sense, okay?!" the authoress told her. "Because if King Zora had been frozen the whole time, then he wouldn't and couldn't know if Ruto had gone."

"By the way, a Goron on Death Mountain needs eyedrops." Saria handed the prescription to King Zora.

"Ooh… This is… well… hmmm… Hmmm… Eyedrops…" King Zora spoke as he read the prescription. "You might say we have them, you might say we don't… We do have the ingredients. If you take the ingredients to the doctor at the lake laboratory, he can make the drops for you. But you need to deliver them fresh… Can you make it before they spoil?"

_CAN THEY MAKE IT BEFORE THEY SPOIL?_

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!

* * *

**And peace.**


	10. Everybody Loves the Water Temple

**Okay, here it is. The tenth chapter that took much longer to come than I'd hoped.**

**But anyway, this is the tenth chapter. Yeah…**

**Warning: This chapter may not contain content that everybody will enjoy. (coughpervyDarkLinkcough) Yeah, if you like this, you're probably a girl my age or somewhere close. But this story is rated K+, so don't worry that much.**

**I don't own Zelda. If I did, Dark Link would've been the boss of the Water Temple rather than that stupid Morpha.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 10: Everybody Loves the Water Temple

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, nothing important happened. Seriously._

_Now for Chapter Ten, where hopefully something will happen._

"Man, the last chapter was so boring!" Saria exclaimed. "I am so glad we're in a new one now."

"SO! CAN YOU DELIVER THE INGREDIENTS BEFORE THEY SPOIL?" King Zora asked dramatically.

"YES!"

**_Saria used the Prescription and received an Eyeball Frog!_**

"Be sure to deliver it while it's cold!" King Zora reminded her.

"While it's cold? This is a living thing!"

"GO DELIVER THEM!"

"Okay okay okay!"

At the Lakeside Laboratory…

"Here! Eyeball frog! Eyedrops now!" Saria yelled, shoving the frog in the ugly man's face.

"Oh, wow! I haven't seen an Eyeball Frog like this since Zora's Domain froze over!" the man exclaimed. "These eyeballs are so delicious! Tonight I will cook fried eyeballs for the first time in a long time! Uhoy hoy hoo houy hoy! Such great stuff! Please say thank you to King Zora!"

"I SAID EYEDROPS!"

"Eh? What? These are for making Biggoron's eyedrops? Oh, how disappointing! You should have said so in the first place!"

"I DID."

"Okay, I'll make it."

Five minutes later…

"Here it is. This medicine doesn't have any preservatives in it. So it won't last long at this temperature," the ugly man told them.

"I didn't know preservatives existed yet," Link stated.

"Can't we just put it in a Pack It or something?" Saria said.

"Those don't exist yet," the man replied.

"Okay, I'm officially confused," Link muttered. "Everything's all out of order… Seriously, like, phone booths exist, preservatives exist, soda exists, but this game takes place in like, 1101." (Note: I don't actually know, obviously)

"It's a parody, mah boi. A parody." The man took the eyedrops out of a refrigerator.

"There's another thing to add to my list…" Link took out a notepad and a pen.

"Run as fast as you can to Death Mountain. You're young-you can do it!"

_**Saria traded the Eyeball Frog for the World's Finest Eyedrops!**_

"ALL RIGHT! I CAN FINALLY GET MY SWORD!" Saria exclaimed. She snatched the eyedrops and dashed out of the room.

Once Saria finally got to the top of Death Mountain, there was only had 10 seconds left.

"MY EYEDROPS!" Biggoron yelled. He snatched the tiny bottle and dripped them into his eyes. The dripping echoed throughout all of Death Mountain.

Link pulled himself onto the top of the mountain, "How the heck did you get up here so quickly…?"

"I want my sword," Saria replied harshly.

"Okay, okay, sheesh…"

"Wow!" Biggoron exclaimed. "This is fantastic! It's working great! Now I can get back to my blade business! My work is not very consistent, so I'll give this to you so you won't forget."

_**Saria got a Claim Check for the Biggoron's Sword!**_

"Come back here in a few days. It'll be done then. Wait patiently."

"A few days?!" Saria yelled. "Time passes way slower in this story than in the actual game!"

"What about the Sun's Song?" Link suggested.

"No!" Navi told them. "We can't waste time like that. We should go complete the Water Temple while we wait."

"Are you sure?" Saria asked her. "The Water Temple sounds muito feroz."

"Saria, we've been waiting two chapters to go there. We are going now."

"Fine!"

"And also, I am not going to put up with you acting this way throughout the entire chapter. Maniac Saria completes the story!"

Link played the Serenade of Water and they appeared at Lake Hylia.

"Wait… Couldn't we have just used that to get here before?" Saria asked.

"No," the authoress told her. "They made the game so that if you use warping songs, your timer zooms down to 1 second so you don't cheat."

"Here! Saria! Coco-Cola!" Navi said, struggling to hold of a big bottle of soda.

"Where did you get that?" Saria questioned.

"I don't know. Take it already."

So Saria drank half the container of the Coco-Cola. Link drank the rest.

"It's time…" Navi paused. "… For the Water Temple."

Thunder rumbled fiercely in the background.

"Okay, now I'm scared," Link stated. "I hope we're not in there for a long time."

"Don't worry. All we need to do is get the item, break into the boss room and kill the boss and we're done," Navi said.

"I have a bad feeling the item is going to take forever to find," Saria muttered.

There were a few moments of silence.

"Sooo…" Link started. "Where's the temple?"

"I think it's at the bottom of the lake," Navi spoke.

"Now I see why King Zora gave us these clothes," Saria stated. "All right, let's just dive down. I'll climb up this tree to get a good start-"

"Saria…" Navi poked her a bit. "Swimming underwater won't exist until Twilight Princess."

"Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

"That's why you got the Iron Boots."

"So in the game you have to keep pausing it and unpausing it constantly when moving around under the water?! That is such a waste of time."

"Be glad that you don't have to."

"Whatever!" Saria climbed the tree.

"WAIT! The lake only has 10 feet of water!"

"What the crap! Ugh." Saria put the Iron Boots on, jumped off the tree and sank to the bottom of the remaining water in the lake.

Link put the Iron Boots on, "I don't know if I want to do this or not…"

"Come on, Link!" Navi yelled. She pushed him into the lake and he fell into the water.

"How are you breathing underwater?" Link asked Navi.

"Better question: How are you talking underwater?"

"Must be these tunics."

"I'm magical."

"Dude, there's a gate over the door," Saria complained. "How did Ruto get in?"

"She must have locked the door behind her, just like Darunia."

"Look! A switch!" Link exclaimed. He took out the Hookshot and fired at the switch. It came out and the door opened.

"… Well. That was sudden."

So they entered into the Water Temple…

"Oh crappy derp muffins," Saria muttered once they entered the main room.

Yes, the horribleness. A main room with many entrances to other rooms everywhere.

"This is horrifying," Navi stated.

"And I can't believe we're just going to be left behind as the authoress skips all of the horribleness of us getting lost over and over again," Saria said.

One room later…

"! You people!" Ruto gasped.

"How long have you been here…?" Saria asked.

"I don't know. Whatever, that doesn't matter. But now that you're here, I can go get captured so you have to do all the work!" Ruto swam up and was gone.

"What the crap…"

So after many, many horrible puzzles, and I'm being serious, this temple is hard, they all got to the mini boss room.

"SEE! I knew it! Skipped us right over!" Saria yelled.

"Are there no walls here?" Link wondered, walking as far as he could. "The air is hard here." He followed it all the way across the room.

"Dude, your shadow just disappeared when you walked past that tree," Navi stated.

"Really?" Link turned around. "Are we in a different dimension all of a sudden?"

"Heh heh heh heh heh heh…" a laughing came out of no where. A dark figure popped out of the ground.

"What are you?"

"Seriously? What are you? Wouldn't who be a little more polite?" A dark-looking version of Link was near the tree, sitting in a fancy chair.

"Excuse me, I didn't know that you were a person."

"But monsters can't talk, anyway, so what would be the point of asking what they are?"

"… Yes they can," Saria told him. "Most of the ones we've run into can talk…"

"Huh. Strange, I never thought that they could talk… They were always quiet around me…"

"So, mind answering the question we asked before?"

The person stood up, "Oh, I'm just a shadow of Link sent out to kill you guys. The dark version of the girl would've been sent too, but she was too pathetic and was too scared to even hold a sword. In fact, she got fired yesterday!"

Saria raised an eyebrow, "So she's the exact opposite of me? Huh."

"Wait a minute, if you're supposed to be my dark side or whatever…" Link started, walking over to Dark Link, "How are you taller than me?"

There was a long pause.

"Um, no comment…" he answered.

"But it doesn't make sense! You can't just say no comment!" Link yelled.

"LET'S DO SOMETHING RECKLESS!" a black fairy shouted, flying out from behind Dark Link's chair.

"Shut up," Dark ordered, swatting the fairy away.

"Oh, I see!" Navi exclaimed. "So that fairy is reckless and stupid, right? That sounds like the exact opposite of me!"

"Well, she still seems to be the same when it comes to levels of annoying…" Saria muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Well, are you going to fight me or decide that I'm a character so this doesn't become more violent than it already is?" Dark asked.

"Okay, I have one question."

"What?"

"Why the heck were you on a chair?"

"To make me look awesome, duh. Now why is that guy still standing over there? I could attack him at any moment…" Dark eyed Link, who was standing right next to him.

"Aw, but he seems like a nice person, I don't wanna defeat him!" Link stated. Dark raised an eyebrow. "And he looks way to much like a person, not a mini boss!"

"Is Link having another idiotic moment?" Navi wondered. "Link, hurry up and get away from him before the authoress gets some funny ideas!"

"Hahaha! Like what?"

"Oh, right, Link probably doesn't know what I'm talking about…"

"What are you talking about-"

"Hehe," Dark laughed, shoving Link to the floor forward and jumping onto him. "I got you, Hero of Time!"

"OH GODDESSES! MY DARK SIDE IS DESTROYING ME SLOWLY BY THE POWER OF AWKWARD HUGS!"

O_o

"Wow, he's stupider than I thought…" Dark stated.

"Trust me, he used to be much worse than this," Navi told him. "Now get off him before the parody police arrest you for breaking the rule of this story."

"Rules? There were never any rules."

"Yeah, Navi," Saria said.

"Oh come on, guys! Look at the position their in!" Navi shouted.

Insert awkward position on the ground here.

"I don't see the problem," Dark said, wrapping his arms around Link.

"Get off…" Link mumbled, twitching. "Saria, do something!"

"Nah, I think I'm just gonna watch and see what he does," Saria stated.

"Seriously?!"

"GUYS! You know that this doesn't even make sense in the first place!" Navi yelled.

"Says who?" Dark asked.

"ME! NOW BE A MINI BOSS AND FIGHT!"

"You said it girl!" the Navi shadow from before said.

"Aw, but this is hilarious!" Saria stated, laughing. "I don't want him to die! For once!"

"All right then, how about we just pass on through here instead, then?" Link suggested, trying to get Dark off him.

"Aw, but it's so comfortable here," Dark said, clinging to him some more.

"CREEP!"

"Wow! Link has common sense for once!" Saria exclaimed. "I would write this down, but I don't have anything to write on or with…"

"All right, fine," Dark spoke, sighing and standing up. Link jumped up and hid behind Saria. "Just go pass already. Regardless of the fact that I'm evil and I was sent to kill you by Ganondorf, you guys are pretty cool so you can live. I'm not scared of him anyway."

The door of the opposite side of the room opened.

"Later people, I'll find you at some point!" Dark snapped his fingers and he and the chair disappeared.

"Find us…?" Link asked with a scared look on his face. "That doesn't sound good…"

"Ah, let's just go get the item already," Navi said.

"I would've preferred it if he actually was a mini boss and I got to fight him, though, rather than him being some creep…"

"Don't worry Link, you can kill the boss!" Saria said, snickering.

"THAT DOESN'T HELP. BUT I'LL STILL DO IT."

Suddenly the endless looking room transformed into a normal room.

"AH HA! It was an illusion," Navi stated.

In the next room, there was a treasure chest.

"Oh goody!" Link exclaimed, completely changing moods. He ran over to it and flipped the lid open.

_**Link got the Longshot!**_

"I think it's a lengthened version of the Hookshot." Link fired it across the room. It went twice as far as the Hookshot.

"Gimme that," Saria told him, snatching it. "I have better aim and you already have the Hookshot."

"But that one is longer!"

"As I said, I have better aim."

Once they were right in front of the door that lead to the boss door…

"All right, knowing this temple, there is going to be something horribly annoying past this point," Navi stated.

"How do you know that? There's never been anything before a boss door," Saria said. They went through the door. "Oh crap muffins."

Yes. Behind the door was an incline with three spike traps going over it.

"Oh my freakin' Din…" Navi muttered.

"_Naaaaavvviii_…" Link complained. "Can't you fly us up?"

"Heck no! I can't even hold a bottle of soda!"

"Oh Nayru, I wish that peacock from Chapter Two would come back."

"Baaa," the peacock said, appearing out of no where. It turned into an airplane and lifted them all up.

"Thanks Kevin!" Link waved as the plane as it broke the door and flew out.

"Kevin?" Saria and Navi asked at the same time.

"Is that really the situation right now? It was the first name I thought of."

They sighed.

Saria started picking the lock. It fell on top of Link again.

"Link, stop standing wherever the lock happens to fall," Navi told him.

"Well excuuuuu-" Link started.

"Please do not bring that up." Navi pulled him into the boss room with Saria following.

"Muahahahahaha! I am evil!" Morpha, the boss, laughed. He was a red ball in a big blob of water. It shaped into Barney the purple dinosaur. "Hey, kids!"

"NOO! Barney! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!" Link screamed, falling to his knees.

Saria used the Longshot to pull the red ball out of the water and stabbed it. Morpha died.

"That was quick," Navi stated.

They then went into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.

"Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm the Sage of Water," Ruto said. "Whatever. I have to guard the Water Temple, blah blah blah, as the Sage of Water… And you're searching for Princess Zelda, right?"

"No," Saria replied.

"Whatever. Take the medallion."

Link got the Water Medallion!

"So I'm guessing there's some kind of addition to this one too?" Navi asked. "Like the Forest Medallion being minty and the Fire Medallion being warm?"

"If you put this one in the washing machine, it makes sure all your clothes come out sparkling clean," Ruto stated.

"Hey! They're supposed to be pretty much useless!" Rauru yelled.

"I know. Washing machines don't exist yet."

"Oh, I see where you're going."

"What's down that really deep pit?" Link questioned, looking down from the platform they were on.

"Invisible floor."

"How come Darunia is still here?"

"Because the Sages have to stay here until their time has come."

"I'm booooooorrrrred," Darunia complained. "Can someone get me a DS or something?"

"The Light Medallion doesn't do anything," Link said, holding it out.

"That's because I couldn't think of anything to do with it to make it useless. If I made it glow, than you could use it to help you see in dark places. Now get out. You've been here long enough."

"Why does my script in the game say stuff about marriage and proposal?" Ruto asked, holding a piece of paper.

"SHUT UP AND LET THE CHAPTER END ALREADY!"

"Well sorry."

And Link, Navi and Saria were teleported out of the Chamber of Sages.

* * *

**See, Dark wasn't THAT bad…**

**Just wait until he shows up again…**

**(dramatic pause)**

**(statement has caused a lot of drama)**

**Peace…?**


	11. This is Wrong in So Many Ways

**So now that the crazy Chapter 10 is over, we can move onto the next one where the team heads to the Shadow Temple… or at least tries to…**

**The amount of dialogue in this story is getting a tiny bit annoying in my opinion. I mean, did I seriously have to write 'meh' EVERY SINGLE TIME? Whatever…**

**I dun own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 11: This is Wrong in So Many Ways

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link named a magic peacock Kevin, no comment on Navi, Saria killed both Dark Link and Dark Saria with Maxwell's Silver Hammer and the Water Temple was completed. YAY! _

_Now for Chapter Eleven._

"Can you believe it? I've been boring throughout the entire story," Navi said. "The authoress never has anything to say about me."

"I can see why," Saria replied. "You never do anything fun."

"Well, that's because-"

"HEY! I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!" Link yelled. "Saria, you said I could kill the Water Temple boss!"

"You fell to your knees and cried when you saw it!" Saria told him.

"I'm going to kill the next boss for sure!"

"According to what Sheik said when we first went into the future, the next temple is in the house of the dead, whatever that is," Navi stated, holding a miniature notepad.

"WAIT! I have to go check if my sword is done!" Saria said. She took out her ocarina and started playing the Bolero of Fire.

"Hold it, Saria! You're wearing Zora tunics!"

"So you expect me to just go the long way?"

"No, I expect you to change first."

"Changing?" Saria made a face. "That'll take too long."

"So you would rather just take the long way and hike all the way to the top of Death Mountain?"

"Meh."

Suddenly, all the water in Lake Hylia came back.

"Umm… Shouldn't that have happened earlier?"

"Look! It's Sheik," Link stated, pointing at Sheik who had appeared out of no where.

"Since the curse on the Water Temple has been lifted, the water has returned to the lake," Sheik said.

"We can tell," Navi replied. "Do you know where we're supposed to go next?"

"Well-"

"Wait wait! Let me guess!" Saria interrupted. "Umm… House of the dead… Uh, dead, dead, death, graveyard… Kakariko Village!"

"That was fast. By the way, how many Heart Pieces have you collected?"

"… Umm… Why?"

"Because the next temple is really easy to die in and confusing. Invisible floors, fake walls, talking paintings, creepy background music, invisible spinning blades, wallmasters, mazes, torture chambers, et cetera et cetera."

"Does this mean we should get more Heart Pieces first?" Link asked.

"Well, if you feel confident then you can go just the way you are…" Sheik tossed a Deku Nut and supposedly disappeared.

"! Look! He's in the tree! I knew he couldn't disappear that fast!" Saria exclaimed, looking up in the tree.

Sheik jumped into the water and was gone.

"Okay, what the heck…"

All of a sudden, the sun started rising.

"That was the shortest night ever," Link said.

"This stone says to shoot the sun when it starts to rise with an arrow and something will happen," Saria stated. She took Link's bow and shot the sun. An arrow fell onto an island on a distance.

"… What's that?" Link swam over to it and picked it up.

_**Link got Fire Arrows!**_

"Does this mean that we can now shoot flaming arrows?"

"I sure hope so!" Saria yelled from the other island. Link swam back. "Let me try it!" Saria fired a Fire Arrow and there was a fire explosion once it hit something. "Awesome! It's like miniature Din's Fire! Now let's go get the sword."

At Kakariko Village…

"OH MY FARORE THE VILLAGE IS ON FIRE!" Link screamed.

"Maybe Death Mountain erupted," Navi said.

"Hey! There's Sheik!" Saria exclaimed. Link ran up to him.

"Get back, Link!" Sheik yelled. The wooden thing above the well(the thing that buckets hang from when people get water) flew off and hit Link, knocking him unconscious. "I warned you!"

"You do know he can't hear you, right?"

"Shut up. GET UP!" Sheik shook Link like crazy.

"Doughnuts… Pie… Banana bread oatmeal…" Link mumbled, soon dozing off again.

"Let me handle this," Navi spoke. "LINK! HOLY CRAP! A FREE CREAM PUFF STAND!"

Link shot up immediantly. "LOL WUT?"

"Heh… Just kidding."

"What?!"

"I'll give you this cupcake if you forget what I just said." Navi held out a cupcake.

"Okay!" Link took it and began to nibble on it.

Suddenly a giant purple cloud came out of the well.

"What is that thing?!" Saria yelled.

"An evil spirit!" Sheik replied. "It has escaped!"

"IT'S A GIANT POOF!" Link exclaimed as the purple cloud flew all over the village, catching flames and putting them on other buildings, making the fire worse. The lookout tower collapsed.

"Wait a minute… If it just escaped, how was the village in flames before?" Navi asked.

"I don't know, maybe Death Mountain erupted or something, it was like this when I got here," Sheik answered.

The purple cloud flew into Link, knocking him unconscious again. It stole his cupcake and flew into the graveyard.

A few minutes later, once Link woke up…

"Link, a terrible thing has happened!" Sheik told Link.

"The giant poof stole my cupcake!" Link said.

"No… It's an evil shadow spirit and it just escaped."

"And stole my cupcake."

"Shut up. Impa, the leader of Kakariko Village, had sealed the evil shadow spirit in the bottom of the well… But the force of the evil spirit got so strong, the seal of the well broke, and it escaped into the world!"

"Don't you mean escaped into the graveyard?" Saria asked.

"Wait a second…" a random villager walked up to them. "You mean an evil shadow spirit has been sealed in the place where we get water?"

"Yeah, so?" Sheik replied.

"Dude, that is wrong in so many ways…"

"Wasn't this village just in flames?" Link questioned.

"It started raining all of a sudden," Sheik told him. "Now shut up. I believe Impa has gone to the Shadow Temple to seal it again, but she will be in danger without any help."

"Umm… The shadow spirit just escaped…" Navi stated. "How could she be in the Shadow Temple already trying to seal it again?"

"It doesn't matter."

"By the way, who the heck is Impa exactly?"

"Impa is one of the six sages."

"How? We just heard of her right now. You'd think that it would be somebody from the past like the other three before."

"Well you're the one who decided to run away from my- I mean Princess Zelda's speech in Chapter 2. You would've met her then."

"People don't want to read boring speeches that were ripped straight from the game."

"Go beat the Shadow Temple already now. But in order to enter the temple, you have to play this song. This is the melody that will draw you into the infinite darkness that even absorbs time, the Nocturne of Shadows!" Sheik took his harp out and played the song. Saria repeated it on her ocarina.

"The melody that draws you into infinite darkness? How is that helpful?" Saria asked.

"I mean the Shadow Temple. That place is doom, but thankfully not as doomful as the Water Temple. I'll see you again." Sheik threw a Deku Nut and vanished.

"Hello there Biggoron! Is my sword done?" Saria asked Biggoron.

"Yep! This is my finest work ever!" Biggoron replied. "Take it!"

Saria finally got the Biggoron's Sword!

"_YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!_" Saria screamed and did a little dance. "I'm so happy!"

"Holy crap, that thing is like four feet long!" Navi exclaimed.

"And holy crap, I got my sword! Let's go to the Shadow Temple so I can test it!"

Link played the Nocturne of Shadows and they appeared at the graveyard, on a platform they previously could not reach.

"Cool. I didn't know this part of the graveyard existed," Link stated. "In we go!"

But instead of immediantly entering the temple, there were a bunch of torches and a giant door with an eye on it in the back of the room.

"Wait wait wait, I think I know what to do!" Saria walked into the middle of the room and used Din's Fire. All the torches were lit and the door opened. "Yay!" Saria ran through the door.

"Wow, she's really pumped," Navi said, following after her. Link slowly followed.

Once they walked in, they found Saria across a pit, staring at a creepy painting. "I don't get it, it's a dead end."

"One who gains the eye of truth will be able to see what is hidden in the darkness…" the painting whispered.

"What's the eye of truth?"

"Hey, I know! Let's get out of here and find it!" Link suggested, shivering madly. "Besides, we have a better chance of not dying!"

"Good idea, Link! Let's check the well!"

"Wait, what?"

Before Link knew it, they were back at Kakariko Village with Saria climbing down into the empty well.

"Umm… There's a giant rock covering the entrance…" Saria stated.

"Hey! I know! Let's go in the past!" Link said.

"That might not even be such a bad idea…" Navi spoke. "Come on! Let's go put the Master Sword back!"

"Whaaaaat! I don't wanna lose my awesome sword!" Saria complained, climbing out of the well.

"You'll get it back once we go into the future again. You'll still have it when we go to the Shadow Temple."

"Fine fine."

"WAIT!" Link yelled. He ran into the windmill and came back out. "I just learned a new song!"

"Uh… Okay…" Saria played the Prelude of Light and they appeared back in the Temple of Time.

"Good bye future!" Link said, putting the Master Sword back. The same blue light surrounded them.

They appeared in the Temple of Time seven years in the past.

"I'm a little boy again!" Link cheered.

"And I haven't changed at all," Saria muttered.

"I'm eleven again!" Navi stated.

"Eleven? How come you never said your age before?"

"I didn't feel the need to."

Link played the Nocturne of Shadow and they appeared at the graveyard. Link climbed over the fence that prevented them from getting onto the ledge and ran out as quickly as possible.

"Is it just me or is he more hyper now that he's a kid again?" Saria asked.

"I think that now that he's ten again, he feels he has permisson to be immature," Navi replied.

"Whatever, let's just go to the well."

"The well is filled with water…" Link stated. "Hey! I know! I'll go play that song I learned from the windmill man in the future to the windmill man in the past!" He ran into the windmill. The sails began to spin very fast and the well drained. Link walked back out.

"Link, how the heck do you always know what to do?" Navi asked.

"Magic!" Link hopped into the well, ignoring the pain it caused him. "Check it out! The well isn't covered anymore!" He ran in.

"I can't believe that he went into the well first."

Saria climbed into the well and ran in after Link. She saw him crawling through a hole. "He is really excited now…" She crawled in after him.

"ADVENTURE TIME!" Link cheered. "ADVENTURE TIME! C'MON GRAB YOUR FRIENDS! AS WE GO TO VERY DISTANT LANDS! LINK, SARIA AND NAVI THE FAIRY THE FUN WILL NEVER END IT'S ADVENTURE TIME!"

Saria coughed. "It smells like dead people and zombies in here!"

"SPIDER! EEEK!" Link hid behind Saria when a Big Skulltula dropped down.

Saria stabbed the spider when it stupidly turned around and it died immediantly.

Link ran over to the wall immediantly. "Huh? It's a dead end!"

"I can hear the spirits whispering in this room," Navi said. "They say look for the eye of truth."

Link ignored Navi's comment and began to feel the wall. His hand went through it. "OHMIGOSH!"

"I think that wall is fake," Saria told him.

"COOL!" Link walked through it. "Wow!" Saria and Navi followed him.

Navi looked all over the area they had just entered. There were skeletions, piles of flesh and dirt, and moldy walls. A flying skull on fire flew past them. "This is wrong in so many ways," Navi muttered.

* * *

**Did anyone else notice the Death Note reference in this chapter?**

**I was kinda reading through this story again one time and came across that line. I was like, "That looks almost like a Death Note reference!" and then I changed it to make it an actual reference rather than just look like it could be. Hehe…**

**The size of the letters is derping… I think.**

**Peace.**


	12. Beware the Sword

**… Hi…**

**In this chapter, they obtain the Lens of Truth, Saria brutally kills more enemies, Navi decides to speak French, and they beat the Shadow Temple.**

**Note, I have no idea how to speak French, I cheated and used a translator to make Navi speak it. If it's incorrect and you can tell for some reason, don't kill me!**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 12: Beware the Sword

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link became a hyper child again, Navi stated that the well of Kakariko Village was wrong in many ways, Saria finally got the Biggoron's Sword and we left off with the heroes in the well._

_Now for Chapter Twelve._

"What the crap," Saria said. "I can't believe that we were skipped to the end between chapters."

"RAWWWRR!" a hideous monster popped out of the ground, right in the middle of a bunch of hands sticking out of the ground.

"KILL HIM!" Link screamed, reaching for his sword, but then he realized he didn't have one anymore. "CRAP!"

The monster burrowed back into the ground.

"Oh noez! Where did he go?"

Saria randomly stabbed the ground with her sword. All of the hands fell down to the ground and disappeared.

"… I think you killed it," Navi stated.

"Cool," Saria spoke.

A treasure chest appeared in the middle of the room. Link ran over and opened it.

_**Link got the Lens of Truth!**_

"Does this let us see the truth?" Link wondered.

"No duh, genius…" Navi muttered.

"They're called the Lens of Truth. What else are they going to do, make pizza?" Saria said, taking the lens from him.

"I wish…" Link stated.

"Actually, I do kinda want pizza," Navi spoke.

"Come on already! I want to use my new giant sword! We're going to the Shadow Temple freakin' right now. I don't think there are even any pizza stores in Hyrule!"

"I can't believe there was actually a pizza store," Saria mumbled.

Link chomped on his sixth piece, "**_PIZZA_**!"

"Are you sure you don't want any pizza, Saria?" Navi asked Saria, eating a tiny piece of her own.

"Positive. I'm not hungry."

"How could you not be hungry?"

"You're the one who asked me how I could ever be hungry again after eating Jabu Jabu!"

"Oh, whatever. Fine, we'll go to the Shadow Temple."

"NOOOOO!" Link screamed, falling down to his knees.

Back in the future at the Shadow Temple entrance…

"Wow. Big skipage," Saria stated.

"Saria, you don't need to keep stating that. This story seems to be getting more boring as it goes on…" Navi said. "Hey! I know what will make it funnier! I'll speak French for the rest of the temple!"

"Wait, what?"

"J'ai parié que le mur est là-bas article truqué!"

"Well, that obviously means Navi is going to be useless throughout the rest of the temple."

"Hé! Je le fais juste ainsi il est drôle!"

"I wonder if anybody reading this knows what Navi is saying…" Link said.

"Hey look! Fake wall!" Saria exclaimed, looking through the Lens of Truth.

"Okay!" Link ran through the painting. "Oh no, there's more!"

"Le reste du temple va probablement être comme ceci…" Navi spoke.

Saria walked through the painting to. She looked all over the room.

"Point my beak to the true skull," a statue said.

Saria looked through the Lens of Truth at all of the skulls. They all disappeared except for one. "Wow. I didn't expect that it would do this much. Link, make the statue face this specific skull," Saria told Link, pointing to the certain one.

Link pushed it onto that one. A gate across a bottomless looking pit opened.

"Il ne regarde pas comme c'est important en ce moment…" Navi stated.

"Hey Link, since it seems like we can't get over there right now…" Saria started, taking out the Lens of Truth. She grinned and pointed to a real wall. "Link! There's the fake wall!"

Link ran into the wall, "Ouch! What was that for?"

"For fun." Saria giggled.

"C'était un peu drôle," Navi said.

Link groaned. "Where's the real one?" he asked, annoyed.

"Over there," Saria told him, pointing to the fake picture.

Link walked over carefully and felt it a little. "Okay, good. It's actually fake this time." He ran through it, but there was a wall two feet behind it with a door and he crashed into it. "Dang it!"

"Good job, Link!" Saria pat Link on the back.

The next room was filled with creepy pictures. Everywhere. Even on the ceiling.

"Attente, ce qui? Là ne sont pas censés être des images sur le plafond!" Navi yelled.

"When did Navi even learn how to speak French?" Link questioned.

"Ah, je peux parler des tonnes des langues."

"Shadow Temple… Here is gathered Hyrule's bloody history of greed and hatred…" one of the paintings said.

"Tais-toi, image anormale."

"Well excuuuuuse me, princess."

"The paintings can speak French?" Link asked.

"Apparently," Saria replied. "I wonder why there are so many pictures, anyway…"

"To confuse you," the painting told her.

"Well shut up anyway." Saria stabbed the painting and shread it to pieces.

"Oh crap, not that thing again," Saria muttered as they entered the mini boss room(which was very close to the beginning, unlike the Water Temple).

The same hideous monster from the well was the mini boss. It burrowed into the ground once they entered.

"What the heck…" Link said.

Saria stabbed the ground and the monster died again. A treasure chest appeared and Link opened it.

_**Link got the Hover Boots!**_

"Cool, new shoes!" Link took the Hover Boots out of the chest.

"That was a pretty girly phrase there, Link," Saria told him.

"Here!" Link tossed a pair to Saria and put on his own.

"I don't understand how they always end up being in our exact size."

"AUUGH! THESE ARE SLIPPERY!" Link slid across the room. "I feel like Luigi!"

"… What?"

"You know, in some games he slides when he runs."

"…" Navi and Saria were silent.

"But why are they called the Hover Boots?" Saria asked.

"I'll find out!" Link said. He climbed onto the treasure chest and walked off. He floated there for a few seconds and then fell on the ground. "Cool!"

"I guess they made them slippery so that there was a con to wearing them all the time."

"Now we can reach that gate that opened a while ago!"

"Link, you do know that we should probably think this through before just charging over there," Saria told Link. "If you don't get over, you fall into a bottomless pit of doom."

But Link had ignored her and was running across the pit. He made it over easily.

"Well… okay."

A wallmaster fell down in front of Saria. "Dang it! I missed!" the wallmaster muttered. Saria stabbed it.

"Me and my big sword," Saria said, hugging her sword.

"ACK! LINK, DUCK!" Saria yelled, shoving Link to the ground. "There's an invisible spinning blade in this room. And a Like Like."

"LIKE LIKE OH NOEZ!" Link screamed, backing up to the door.

"OM NOM NOM," the Like Like said threateningly.

"Tranquillitê, vous. Saria a épée la plus puissante dans Hyrule," Navi told the Like Like.

"NOM!" The Like Like backed away quickly.

"The Like Like can speak French too?" Link asked.

"Navi can speak Like Like?" Saria questioned disbelievingly. Navi made a stabbing motion. "Oh yeah." Saria stabbed the Like Like and it died quickly. "I never liked those things…"

"Who does?"

"Certainement pas je," Navi spoke.

"I look forward to when we complete this temple," Saria mumbled.

"Stone umbrella?" Saria wondered, reading a sign.

"Oh crap," Navi muttered. "This is awful!"

"Yeah, spikes crashing into the ground!" Link yelled, not noticing that she was speaking understandable language.

"No! The fact that The Son of Neptune came out and I still haven't read The Lost Hero!"

Sheik suddenly appeared out of no where. "Well… I could help with that…" he started.

"Really?"

He took out a copy of the Lost Hero in Hylian/English. "But I'm not giving it to you for free, y'know…"

"Wait a second, isn't Navi supposed to be speaking French?" Saria asked.

"I can't right now, Saria. This is much too important," Navi told her. "So… About that book…"

"That will be 500 rupees," Sheik said.

"Are you kidding me! That's the max amout of money you can carry in the game!"

"On the other hand, I could give it to you for free, but only if you manage to kill the boss in less then ten minutes."

"Why that?" Saria questioned.

"First, it's probably the hardest boss in the game, second, that thing has been getting on my nerves."

"Okay!" Navi agreed.

"I found the stone umbrella!" Link exclaimed, pulling a block out of the wall.

"…" Everybody else was silent.

"I'm wearing the sacred feet," Link randomly said as he skated along in the Hover Boots. "Ooh, look! A boat!"

"Link, it's floating in mid air," Saria told him. "Do you actually think it's a good idea to board?"

"Of course I do!"

A few minutes later…

"AUUUGH! ABANDON SHIP!" Link screamed. The ship started to fall into the pit after moving a little.

Navi and Saria sighed and jumped onto a nearby platform.

"Holy derp!" Link exclaimed once they entered a certain room. A wooden spike trap began to move toward them, in attempt to crush them.

"What do we do!" He began to run in circles.

"Din's Fire, duh!" Saria told him. She used Din's Fire and the spike trap burnt to ashes.

"Là-bas! Le coffre de clef de patron!" Navi stated, speaking French again. She pointed to the corner of the room.

"Oh no! There's a zombie guarding the chest!" Link said. "KIIIIIIIIIILLLLL!" He attacked the Redead without even letting it move and killed it. "Meh heh heh heh…"

Link opened up the treasure chest.

_**Link got the Boss Key!**_

"Usually I'd hope that we would find the boss door before we find the key," Saria spoke. "Because then we don't have to find the key."

"Hey Saria, I'm just asking…" Link started. "But when did you take my bow…?"

"Between chapters."

"Bon, nous avons finalement trouvé la porte de patron," Navi said once they found the boss door.

Link put the key in, turned it, and guess what? The lock fell on top of him.

"Who's bright idea was it to made the lock so huge…?" Link muttered. Saria lifted the lock off of him.

"Come on!" Saria told him, running into the boss room.

There was silence for a few seconds.

"It's a hole…" Link stated.

"Do we jump in?" Saria asked.

"Bien, je veux obtenir mon livre tellement OUI!" Navi yelled, shoving Link into the hole. "ALLEZ! MAINTENANT!"

Saria raised an eye brow. "I can't speak French you know."

Navi pushed her in.

"Are we on a giant drum…?" Link questioned. The giant drum started to bounce. "AHH! FLOATING HANDS!"

Saria took out the Lens of Truth, "Oh my Din, that thing is hideous."

Link peeked through the lens as well. "Holy crud, is that the thing that was sealed in the well? I am never drinking water from Kakakakakakokokokoko again…"

"Muahahahahahaha, I am evil!" Bongo Bongo, the boss, laughed. He began to charge at them. Saria shot an arrow without thinking, stunning him. She attacked him rapidly with the Biggoron's Sword and he was dead.

"Beware the sword," Saria said, grinning.

Bongo Bongo melted into shadowy goo.

"Coooool," Link spoke.

_**Link got a Heart Container!**_

"JE VEUX MON LIVRE!" Navi screamed, flying into the blue light once it appeared. "ALLONS!"

Saria and Link walked into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.

"Hello, I am Impa, Sage of Shadow," Impa told them.

"Good Din, you're hideous," Link stated.

"I'm sorry, but I put on permanent make up against my will. Anyway, I am Princess Zelda's caretaker, but since you ran off before her speech ended, you didn't meet me." What?

"Give us the medallion already," Saria ordered.

"Fine."

_**Saria got the Shadow Medallion! **_

Link took the medallion from Saria, "What does this one do?"

"It smells like oatmeal," Impa replied.

"Dude, that's just weird," Saria said.

And the three were warped back to the graveyard.

* * *

**That was a chapter. Yay…**

**Peace.**


	13. Senseless Carpenters

**Augh, finally. Well, actually, I personally think that compared to most people I'm updating quite frequently… right? Whatever…**

**Warning: Really creepy carpenter (for a single line that was actually in the game), really stupid carpenters, lots of repetitiveness… I'm making these stupid warnings for fun, shut up.**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 13: Senseless Carpenters

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link ate lots of pizza, Navi spoke French for most of the chapter, Saria tore things to pieces with her sword and they obtained the Shadow Medallion that smelled like oatmeal._

_Now for Chapter Thirteen._

"I love my sword," Saria stated.

"I want my book," Navi said.

"I didn't kill the boss," Link complained.

"Link, if you had killed the boss, it would have taken forever and you would need to pay 500 rupees to get me my book because you weren't fast enough."

"And besides, the only reason the boss died quickly was because of the epicness of my sword," Saria told Link.

"SO!" a voice started. Sheik dropped frmo the sky. "It seems you defeated the boss fast enough!"

"Give me my book. GIVE ME MY BOOK!" Navi yelled impatiently.

"Here you go!" Sheik handed her the book. Navi fell down to the ground. "Oh, sorry." Sheik put some kind of magic on the book that made it smaller.

"How did you do that?" Link asked.

"Umm… See you later!" Sheik threw a Deku Nut and disappeared.

"So… Where are we going next?"

"Well, I didn't quite understand what Sheik said when he said 'inside a goddess of sand'," Navi said. "Maybe the desert?"

Saria took out the map, "I seems as if the only place we haven't been yet is the desert, too."

"The place where we met the carpenters?" Link questioned.

"I guess so."

"Cool! I love the background music there!"

"Well, time to get going."

Once they got to Gerudo Valley, the bridge was still broken.

"Hey! Mutoh person!" Saria yelled. "You said you would fix the bridge yourself if I gave you the saw!"

"I lied," Mutoh replied. "Sorry."

Saria groaned. "Link, get onto Epona. Epona, jump over the pit like you did last time."

Epona neighed and leaped over. Link almost fell off, but thankfully he didn't. Saria used the Longshot to get over.

"What brings you here?" Mutoh asked.

"We've completed four temples already. I'm guessing that the fifth one is here at the desert," Saria replied.

"Well, I heard that there was a temple deep in the desert, but the Gerudo don't let anybody out there. Obviously, if they catch you, you'll end up in jail."

"Ooh, we get to be ninjas!" Link exclaimed.

"Don't let their good looks fool you!"

"Into the fortress we go!"

"Stupid kids! Get in there and keep quiet!" a Gerudo ordered, throwing them in jail.

"Good going, Link," Saria said. "You had to try and flirt with her."

"Come on! I couldn't help it!" Yeah, _sure_…

Saria used the Longshot and hooked onto the overhang in the window and was pulled right out of jail. "Don't make the mistake again."

"I'll try…" Link used the Hookshot and got out. "Oh my derp-" Link almost fell out of the window once his eyes set upon a Gerudo. Men…

"Link!" Saria slapped him. "Get ahold of yourself! They're your enemy!"

"But their _soooo_ beautiful!"

"I don't care. Come on."

"Look! A treasure chest!" Link exclaimed. He fired the Hookshot at it, but it wasn't long enough. "DANG IT!"

"Link, be quiet or no sugar for a week!" Navi told him.

"Yes _mother_."

"You do know I have duct tape in my pocket, right?" Saria asked Link.

"_Nooooo_!"

Saria grabbed him and used the Longshot to hook onto the treasure chest. She opened it.

_**Saria got a Heart Piece!**_

"You know, this is really weird, but we're on the last temple and we've only got three Heart Pieces," Saria stated.

"So instead of going to beat Ganondorf once we free the Sage, you want to spend the entire chapter getting Heart Pieces?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow. "Right when we'll probably find out that Zelda has been captured by Ganondorf and he's torturing her with horrible music?"

"Well, kinda. I mean, we'll have to fight him."

"I think I hear people talking up there!" a Gerudo exclaimed.

"Gah!" Saria pushed Link down and ducked.

"Oh, I guess not."

"That was a close one! Link, I really need you to be quiet now!"

Link nodded slowly.

"People! Get me out of here!" a carpenter yelled. "The Gerudos have captured us because they don't accept men except for their king!"

"Oh, sure," Saria said, walking over to the cage with the Kokiri sword. She stuck the sword into the lock. "I wonder why people haven't invented little locks yet."

"Woo! Watch out!"

A Gerudo wearing red dropped from the ceiling. "Get away from the cage, green girl!" she ordered.

"You can't tell me what to do," Saria replied. "I have a giant sword." She unsheathed her Biggoron's Sword.

"Oh crap. I'm screwed." The Gerudo backed off a litte. "What do I do, what do I do…"

"Run away?"

"Oh, whatever. Just take the key, those people mean nothing to me anyway!" The Gerudo jumped back up to the ceiling and threw a key down.

Link picked up the key.

_**Link got a Small Key!**_

He unlocked the prison.

"Did you come here to save me? Oh, that's just swell! I'm Ichiro the carpenter," the carpenter said.

"What kind of name is that?" Saria asked.

Ichiro went on. "We were really interested in joining their all female group, but they locked us up like this just because we're men!"

"And you apparently have no senses… I mean, I think you were that guy I ran into when we first went to Kakariko Village and you completely ignored me when I stomped on your foot."

"We don't care about the Gerudo anymore! They're so rude!"

"But they're sooooo hooot…" Link stated.

"Three of my fellows have also been captured, so please help them escape, too! I'm going back to my boss!"

"Good luck with that," Navi told him. "There are still guards everywhere."

"Don't worry, they made the game so that I don't get captured again."

"Dude, really?"

And Ichiro was off.

"Well, I guess it's time to save the rest of the carpenters…"

"Help! I'm trapped in here!" another carpenter pleaded.

"This is started to make me wonder why they put us in a cell that doesn't need to be locked," Saria stated.

"Maybe so that this game was completable, duh," Navi replied.

"Woo! Watch out!"

A different Gerudo, wearing green this time, dropped from the ceiling.

"What are you doing!" the Gerudo demanded.

"Going around the fortress freeing carpenters," Link replied. "I don't know why though. I think it's a complete waste of time."

"Oh. Whatever." The Gerudo gave them the key. "I don't care about them. I'll just lie to the leader about him escaping."

_**Link got a Small Key!**_

He unlocked the cell as the Gerudo jumped back to the ceiling.

"You're a cute kid! Thank you for coming to save me! I'm Jiro, the carpenter," the carpenter said.

"Ew, you think I'm cute?" Link asked. "That's nasty…"

"These women are so scary! I'd rather work as a carpenter than join them! I can't wait to say good-bye to this place! Two of my buddies are still being held prisoner. Will you please get them out, too?"

"Wait, but we didn't tell you we already saved one," Saria stated.

"Umm… Bye!" The carpenter ran off.

"Oh my goodness! Get me out of here!" a carpenter shouted.

"Three, two, one…" Navi counted.

"Woo! Watch out!"

And then a Gerudo dropped down. She was wearing yellow.

"Hey, why do you always have lipstick the same color of your clothes?" Link asked the Gerudo.

"I honestly don't know," she replied.

"Can you give us the key to free the carpenter?"

"Why should I?"

"Because I have a giant sword," Saria said.

"Okay, sure." The Gerudo tossed Link the key and went back to the ceiling.

_**Link got a Small Key!**_

"Don't you find it so weird that we don't need to fight any of the Gerudo?" Link questioned, unlocking the prison.

"They're all scared of my sword, they just refuse to admit it," Saria answered.

"Thanks, boy!" the carpenter thanked. "You're fantastic!"

"Oh, don't thank me!" Link told him.

"Thank me!" Saria said, smiling. She took out her sword.

"Holy mama," the carpenter spoke.

"I know, right?"

"Well, anyway, I'm Sabooro the carpenter. Have you seen our boss? He's probably worried about me! I have to get back to him immediantly! One more of our workers is still a prisoner. Please save him!" And Sabooro was off.

"One more to go," Navi stated.

"Help me! I'm locked in here!" the fourth carpenter begged.

"Yeah, yeah," Saria said.

"Woo! Watch out!"

"Do you always say that?"

A Gerudo wearing purple came down from the ceiling. "Hands up, intruders!" she ordered. Saria unsheathed her sword.

"Are you sure about that?" She took a step foward.

"Yes, I'm sure! I'm not a coward like all the other ones! I'll actually fight you!"

"Really?" Saria took another step foward and held her four feet long sword out.

"… Yes!"

"I can see you shaking, y'know," Navi stated.

"Be quiet! I'm just cold!"

"Riiiiiight…"

"If you give us the key, I won't hurt you…" Saria told the Gerudo, grinning as she took another step.

"Wait, what? All you want to do is free the stupid carpenter?"

"Hello! I'm right here!" the carpenter yelled, offended.

"Oh! I thought you were here to invade us or something! In that case, just take the key." The Gerudo tossed the key and jumped to the ceiling.

_**Link got a Small Key!**_

He unlocked the prison.

"I was afraid you were going to forget about me! Now I'm free!" the carpenter cheered. "Thanks! I'm Shiro the carpenter. For rescuing me, I'll tell you something interesting about the desert I overheard the Gerudos talking about."

"Why would the Gerudos talk about something right in front of you?" Navi asked.

"I have no idea. They said, "In order to cross the Haunted Wasteland, you'll need the 'eye of truth." The Colossus is on the far side of the wasteland."

"Have it, have it. Whatever," Saria said.

"Okay, now I'm going back to my tent near Gerudo Valley, so, drop by sometime. You may something helpful there! Byeee!" Shiro ran out of the cell.

"I've seen your fine work," a voice said. Link jumped.

"Oh come on! Another one?" Saria complained once she saw the Gerudo behind them. She was wearing blue.

"To get past the guards around here, you must have good thieving skills. I used to think that all men, besides the great Ganondorf, were useless, but now that I've seen you, I don't think so anymore!"

"Are you talking to Link? Because he didn't do anything. I'm the one you should be complimenting. I had to tell him to be quiet at least 30 times and I also had to drag him along because he kept getting distracted. He almost got caught 40 times."

"Saria, be quiet!" Navi yelled. "Go on."

"The exalted Nabooru, our leader, put me in charge of this fortress. Nabooru is second-in-command to the great Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo Thieves. Her headquarters are in the Spirit Temple, which is at the end of the desert. Say, you must want to become one of us, eh?" the Gerudo asked.

"What?" Link, Saria and Navi all said at the same time.

"All right then! You're in from now on!"

"Does that mean I have to wear that outfit?" Saria asked.

"… No, if you don't want to…"

"Okay, good. Because I think they're kind of… Uh… I can't think of a good way to put this… Uh, cold."

"Take this. With it, you will have free access to all areas of the fortress!"

_**Saria got a Gerudo Membership Card!**_

"It's a sheet of paper, not a card," Saria stated.

"Does it actually matter?" the Gerudo asked.

"What's your name?" Link questioned.

"Alyssa…"

"Well… That's a very lovely name…"

"LINK!" Navi yelled. "We have to focus on finding the Spirit Temple!"

"Why?" Alyssa asked.

"Because we have to find the Sage of Spirit in order to save Hyrule. You do know Ganondorf is evil, right? Like, really evil? He took over Hyrule and has placed curses on all the areas except for this one. We already lifted most of the curses."

"Well, the Spirit Temple is way across the desert. Getting through is harder than you think it might be. Just ask the gatekeeper and she'll let you through, if you want."

"Time to go cross a deathly desert…" Saria spoke.

* * *

**How come all the chapters end with somebody trying to say something dramatic or 'and this happened?' I'm just ranting again, don't bother listening.**

**Peace.**


	14. You Can't Trust Hobos

**It's funny how Link was always 'flirting' with the Gerudos even though he has the mind of a ten year-old boy who grew up without a guardian around a bunch of other children. It just doesn't really make sense…**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 14: You Can't Trust Hobos

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link flirted, Navi finally got her book, Saria scared people with her sword and they freed all the carpenters._

_Now for Chapter Fourteen._

"Can you open up the gate?" Saria asked the Gerudo in front of the gate to the desert.

"Hey, rookies. Are you going into the desert? I'll open this gate for you, but… You can't cross the desert unless you pass the two trials."

"And what are those trials?"

"The first trial is the River of Sand! You can't walk across this river! After you cross it, follow the flags we placed there. The second trial is the Phantom Guide! Those without_ the_ eyes that can see the truth will only find themselves returning here."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have the eye of truth. Now open the gate."

"I won't stop you from going… Go ahead!" The Gerudo clapped her hands and the gate opened. "Good luck…"

"Wait, if Nabooru's headquarters is out at the Spirit Temple… How the heck did she get out there without the Lens of Truth?" Navi asked.

"Don't ask me."

-

"Well… There's the river of sand…" Link stated. There was a bunch of quicksand running in front of them.

"Here, I have a solution," Saria said. She grabbed Link and Longshoted across the river. "Problem solved."

"Now we have to follow all the flags…"

After a little while, they found themselves in front of a hobo on a magic carpet.

"What are you doing all the way out here in the desert?" Navi asked the hobo.

"I set up my store here," the hobo replied.

"That's a stupid idea. Nobody ever comes out here."

"Well you just did! Would you like to buy my rare product?"

"What is it?"

"It is an extremely rare item! Only 200 rupees!"

"Wow! I sure would like something very rare!" Link exclaimed. He gave the hobo 200 rupees.

_**Link got a Bombchu!**_

"Heh heh! Suckers!" the hobo laughed. He flew away on his carpet.

"I wonder what it does…" Link wondered. He put it on the ground. It moved a few meters and then blew up. "… Are you kidding? I wasted that money for a moving bomb?"

"That's why you can't trust hobos," Saria told him. "I'm so glad that money came out of your wallet and not mine!"

Link groaned.

-

"BUILDING!" Link screamed. He dove into a hole that lead into the building. "Whew! I can see clearly again!"

Saria and Navi followed after him.

"I think I got sand in my boot." Link took off his shoe and dumped out all the sand. There was a completely unrealistic amount of sand inside it.

"Link, we have to keep going," Navi told him. "The sooner we leave, the sooner we'll get there."

"Oh fine."

Link and Saria climbed out of the hole. Saria looked at an engraving on a nearby rock.

"There's supposed to be a ghost that leads us to the Spirit Temple," Saria stated. She took out the Lens of Truth and a Poe appeared.

"Hello there! I am your guide to the Spirit Temple!" the Poe greeted. "Come along now!"

The Poe began to fly away.

"Follow it!" Navi ordered.

"I can't see it!" Link said.

"Follow me then!" Saria told him. She started chasing the Poe.

-

Much time later, they finally got to the Desert Colossus. The Poe disappeared.

"We're here!" Link exclaimed. "No more sandstorms!"

"Look! There's the Spirit Temple!" Navi said.

"I hope there's air conditioner in there…"

"Wait! Look at those two trees over there right next to the wall! Doesn't it seem kind of… suspicious?" Saria asked. She ran over to it. "There's a crack here!" She blew up the crack with bombs. The wall blew up, revealing an entrance.

They all walked in.

"No… No!" Link screamed. "Not the Great Fairy!"

There was a hideous cackle and the Great Fairy came out of the fountain.

"Heroes! I am another Great Fairy of Magic! Accept my gift!" the Great Fairy said.

_**Link got Nayru's Love!**_

"What does it do?" Link questioned.

"It protects you from everything for thirty seconds," the Great Fairy answered. She cackled and went back into the fountain.

"That was shorter than I thought," Saria spoke.

-

In the Spirit Temple…

"So! Here's the first room…" Navi said. "There are two sides…"

"One has a tiny hole…" Saria started.

"And one has a giant heavy block," Link finished.

"I don't think we can move that block right now, but I think I might be able to fit in the hole."

"No! No! We can't mess up the game!" Navi yelled. "Since you normally aren't supposed to be here, we would probably have to go into the past in order to go in there! If we go through the hole in the future, we might screw the story."

"Well fine, but I hope you are aware that we aren't members of the fortress in the past."

So they exited the temple. Sheik dropped in front of them.

"Past, present, future… The Master Sword is a ship with which you can sail upstream and downstream through time's river," Sheik spoke. "The port for that ship is the Temple of Time…"

"Yeah, so?" Saria asked.

"To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Spirit Temple, you must travel back through time's flow. Listen to the Requiem of Spirit. This melody will lead a child back to the desert."

"Oh, that song will warp us back here so we can get back in the past."

"Right." Sheik took out his harp and played the tune. Saria repeated it.

"I'll see you again. By the way, in the past, once you complete it, don't freak…"

"Freak about what?" Saria asked, but Sheik was already gone. And Link was already playing the Prelude of Light.

-

Once they were back in the Spirit Temple in the past…

"All right, now to get through that hole-" Saria started, but there was a Gerudo in the way. "Hello?"

"Hi there!" Link greeted.

"Who- What do you want?" the Gerudo asked.

"Umm, nothing?"

"You have nothing to do? What good timing! Can you do me a favor, kid?"

"… Sure?"

"Wait a second, I want to ask you first-you wouldn't happen to be one of Ganondorf's…_ followers_… would you?"

"Heck no. That guy is a freak."

"Uh-huh! You've got guts. I think I like you."

"Aw, really?"

"First of all, let me introduce myself. I'm Nabooru of the Gerudo. I'm a lone wolf thief. But don't get me wrong! Though we're both thieves, I'm completely different from Ganondorf."

"That's good."

"With his followers, he stole from women and children, and he even killed people!"

"He's evil. Very evil."

"A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years."

"How does that work?" Saria asked. "They can only have girls except for once a century?"

"What if the boy baby gets sick?" Link questioned.

"They never do, somehow…" Nabooru replied. "Even though our laws say that the lone male Gerudo must become the King of the Gerudo, I'll never bow to such an evil man! By the way, what's your name, kid?"

"I'm Link!"

"I'm Saria," Saria told Nabooru.

"I'm Navi, but you probably don't care," Navi said.

"Link? What kind of name is that?" Nabooru asked.

"There's a carpenter named Ichiro. Don't go calling Link's name weird," Saria told her.

"Well… Anyway… I want to ask you a favor… Will you go through this tiny hole and get the treasure that's inside? The treasure is the Silver Gauntlets. If you equip them, you can easily push and pull very heavy things!"

"Really?" Link asked, exciting.

"No, no, no, kid! Don't even think about taking this treasure for yourself! The Silver Gauntlets won't fit a little kid like you if you try to equip them! I want you to be a good boy and give them to me!"

"Wait, so I'll never be able to wear them?" Saria complained. "Dang it! Sometimes being a Kokiri comes with some annoying things…"

"Ganondorf and his minions are using the Spirit Temple as a hideout. Only the Silver Gauntlets will allow me to sneak deep into the temple. Once there, I'm going to steal all the treasure inside and mess up their plans! How about it? Will you do it?"

"Do I get anything from this?" Link questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, we'll do it," Navi answered.

"Thanks! You and I, let's give Ganondorf and his followers a big surprise, shall we?" Nabooru said, grinning.

"So… His hideout is behind that giant block, right?" Saria asked, pointing to the other side of the room.

"Yes. Now if you can successfully get the Silver Gauntlets, I'll do something great for you!"

"Into the temple!" Link said, crawling into the hole. Saria followed.

"Nabooru is totally the Sage of Spirit," Navi stated.

"Has to be," Saria replied.

-

"Did we just get skipped all the way to the end of the dungeon?" Saria asked.

"Probably," Navi replied.

"OH NOEZ! ARMORED THINGY!" Link screamed, pointing at the Iron Knuckle on the other side of the room.

"Don't worry Link, it's just a statue. It's not moving."

Link walked up to the Iron Knuckle. He poked it. The Iron Knuckle stood up and raised its axe.

"OH CRAP!" Link yelled, running behind Saria. "Navi! You lied to me!"

"How was I supposed to know it wasn't actually a statue?!" Navi argued.

"NONE SHALL PASS!" the Iron Knuckle said. "Without a Spirit Temple card!"

"Umm… Here?" Saria gave the Iron Knuckle a gift certificate that Mido had given her a heck long time ago.

"Permisson granted!" The Iron Knuckle let them through and gave the card back to Saria.

"Okay… Just out of curiousity, and don't take this the wrong way, but can you see?"

"Nope! Now please pass already!"

"Well, sure…"

So they went through the door and found themselves outside, standing on one of the hands of the temple.

"Treasure chest! Yay!" Link cheered. He ran over and opened it.

_**Link got the Silver Gauntlets!**_

"Oh! Good! Now let's go give them to Nabooru!" Navi said.

"Hey, whuzzup peeps?" a familer voice asked.

They all turned around.

"No…" Saria started.

"It can't be…" Navi muttered.

"NOOO!" they all screamed.

* * *

**Ooh, dramatic cliffhanger. Not. I don't think you'd be reading this if you've never played Ocarina of Time. It's not like I put something in that WASN'T in the game.**

**Peace.**


	15. Their Haggy Grip

**Must… hurry… and finish…**

**ALMOST THERE…**

**Dawn of the First Day: 3 Chapters Remain until Dawn of the First Day. If your mind instantly understands that, you get an imaginary cookie.**

**I don't own Zelda…**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 15: Their Haggy Grip

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link bought a Bombchu from a hobo, Navi and Saria were boring, and they were kind of left off on a cliffhanger._

_Now for Chapter Fifteen._

"IT'S GAAAABE!" the trio screamed.

"What's up, people? Surprised to see me?" Gabe asked.

"No duh! I thought you died!" Saria yelled.

"No, no. Just because I'm not here doesn't mean I'm dead."

"Well, we never ran into you in the future…"

"Saria, maybe he hasn't died yet. We're in the past, remember?" Navi reminded Saria.

"Oh yeah…"

"Anyway, a long time in this world is almost nothing to you, is it? How mysterious!"

"Where did you hear that?"

"Even though the tales of a boy and a girl who could travel back and forth through time was merely a legend. Link, you have fully matured as an adult."

"Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? He's ignoring you while he tries to catch a butterfly. He's ten! He's only slightly more matured when he's older! And how would you know about us travelling through time if you never appeared in the future?!"

"I'm sorry, but that information is classified."

"DERP!"

"From now on, the future of all the people in Hyrule is on your shoulders."

Link suddenly fell to the ground, "It's heavy…"

"No, it just means you two are the only ones Hyrule can depend on."

"Hello!" Navi yelled. "I'm still here! What about me?!"

"Maybe it's not my time anymore."

"Wait, what?" Link, Saria and Navi all said at the same time.

"Does that mean you're done stalking us?" Saria asked.

"Well, there isn't much else I can do. Now that you're in the final temple, I don't need to help you with anything anymore."

The three stared, wide-eyed.

"Here is my last advice. Two witches inhabit this temple. In order to destroy them, turn their own magic power against them. Hoo hoot!"

"Wow, that was like, the most useful information you've ever given us. Seriously. You never tell us how to beat the boss of the temple," Saria stated.

"I said it was my last information, well, actually, because after this I'm getting fired from my job."

"Wait, that doesn't make sense… How could you get fired with the whole contract thing and everything? And how do you know that you're getting fired?!"

Gabe shrugged. "I dunno. Well, farewell. Hoo hoot." He flew away.

"I wonder if I'm going to miss him," Link said.

"Believe me, Link, you're not," Navi told him.

"So… What did he mean by the witches when they're magic is turned back against them?" Saria questioned.

"YEEARGGH! Let me go!" a voice yelled.

Link, Saria and Navi looked all over the place.

"Look! There she is down there," Navi said, pointing to the ground. There was Nabooru, getting sucked into some kind of magic with two old hags flying around her on broomsticks.

"You three! Get out of here! Now!" Nabooru yelled. "These witches! They're using black magic on me!"

"Oh no! Nabooru is in trouble!" Link stated. "What do we do?!"

"Eeh he he he he he he he he!" one of the old hags laughed before the witches flew back into the temple and Nabooru was throughly sucked into the magic.

"Well crap, now what do we do?" Saria asked.

"I have an idea!" Link exclaimed. "Let's go into the future so that I can wear these and move that heavy block, where they probably went somehow!"

"Leaving Nabooru in they're haggy grip for seven whole years? That's horrible, Link!"

"But it's what we're supposed to do! One half of the dungeon is obtaining the Silver Gauntlets as a child so that when you return in the future you can wear the Silver Gauntlets and get into the other half which holds the boss. Besides, we won't be able to beat the boss with just a mediocre dagger."

"Wow. That was the most mature thing Link has ever said throughout the entire story," Navi spoke.

"BACK TO THE FUTURE!" Link took out the Ocarina of Time and played the Prelude of Light.

For what seemed like to them only a few minutes, they were back in the Desert Colossus with Link as an adult, wearing the Silver Gauntlets.

"Wow! I feel like Superman!" he exclaimed. He picked up a rock as big as him and tossed it, breaking it once it hit the ground. "COOL!"

"Now Link, let's go back into the temple and move that giant block," Navi told him gently.

"OKAY!" Link ran back into the temple and shoved the huge block out of the way. "Muahahahaha! Now that I have these, we are unstopable! Saria has a giant sword, Navi has special annoying abilities and I have super gloves!"

"Special annoying abilities?"

"No, seriously. I mean, if we were fighting a boss and you were flying all over them while yelling Hey! Listen! over and over, and possibly in different languages, I'm pretty sure they would be quite annoyed."

"Good point. I think I'll try it sometime."

-

"Hey Saria, what was that thing that you gave to the Iron Knuckle before?" Navi asked Saria.

"A gift certificate to a place that Mido made up for me. He gave it to me and said it was at his house. I never went on purpose. I don't know why I still have this crappy thing."

"Well be glad that you have it now, or we may have not gotten past that one thing."

"Hey, we're in another Iron Knuckle room!" Link exclaimed.

"How do you know what it's called?"

"I don't know. Hey! Wakey wakey!" Link poked the Iron Knuckle.

"Halt! What are you doing?" the Iron Knuckle asked.

"Here's my card!" Saria said, giving the Iron Knuckle the gift certificate.

"You do know this is a gift certificate to some place called Mido's Magnificent Diner, right?"

"Well! Umm, I must have grabbed the wrong card!" Saria took the card back and took out the Gerudo Membership card.

"This is a Gerudo Membership card, not a Spirit Temple pass."

"Your brother was blind, right…?" Saria slowly took the membership card back. "He let me through when I gave him the gift certificate…"

"What?! He did!? I have to go teach him a lesson!" The Iron Knuckle ran off, forgetting about everything.

"Hey! We can go through now!"

So they went through and found themselves on the other hand of the temple.

"Treasure chest!" Link exclaimed. He opened it up.

_**Link got two Mirror Shields!**_

"It's a shield with a mirror on it… How is that going to help us?" Saria asked, taking the smaller Mirror Shield from Link.

"Maybe it's what we're supposed to use to turn the hags' magic back at them," Link suggested. "It's probably a magic mirror that can't break." He punched the mirror on his shield and it didn't break. "Oww… See?"

"Well, time to go to the boss," Navi said.

-

"Ho ho ho! Looks like someone is here, Koume…" one of the old hags said, once the trio entered the room.

"Hee hee hee! Looks like it, Kotake!" Koume replied.

"What an outrageous fellow he is, to intrude so boldly into our temple… Ho ho ho!"

"We should teach this outrageous fellow a lesson! Hee hee hee!"

"Okay, stop laughing like that! It's weird!" Saria yelled.

"Oh, loyal minion! Destroy this intruder on our behalf!" both the hags ordered at the same time.

"DESTROY!" the strange looking Iron Knuckle yelled, standing up and holding its hands in the air, but it had no axe. It snapped its fingers and one appeared.

"Well dang, I wish I could do that," Link stated. "Make things appear out of mid air."

Saria unsheathed her Biggoron's Sword and charged towards the Iron Knuckle. There was a fierce battle between the two.

"Say good bye!" Saria spoke, raising her sword.

Suddenly the Iron Knuckle knelt down on one knee and all of the armor fell off. Nabooru was there!

"Oh crap, they turned you into an Iron Knuckle? I'm so sorry!" Saria withdrew her sword and took a few steps back.

"Unnnh… Where am I…?" Nabooru wondered.

"Well, well, looks like she's back to normal, Koume…" Kotake said.

"She's just a little girl, but she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudo, Kotake…" Koume added.

"Maybe we should make her work for the great Ganondorf for a little while longer! Ho ho ho!"

"Then we should brainwash her again! Hee hee hee!"

"NO!" Nabooru screamed. She started to run away but the old hags got her and she disappeared. Then the old hags disappeared.

"Through that door!" Navi ordered. "Now! We can't let those old hags do anything else horrible!"

They all ran through the door and found themselves in the boss chamber. There was a ladder leading up onto a big platform. Link and Saria climbed up.

"Look at that stupid kid! He came on his own to offer himself as a sacrifice to the great Ganondorf!" Kotake exclaimed.

"Hello? Am I not here anymore?" Saria yelled, waving her arms.

"With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!" Koume said. Her hair turned into fire.

"With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul!" Kotake spoke, her hair turning into ice.

"Muahahahaha! We are evil!" they stated at the same time.

"The Mirror Shields must be for turning their magic back against them!" Navi told Link and Saria. "When they fire a magic beam at you, reflect it to the opposite witch!"

"So fire goes to the ice witch and ice goes to the fire witch?" Link asked.

"Yes!"

Suddenly Koume fired a flame beam at Saria. She held up her shield and it flew to Kotake.

"Dang you, child!" Kotake said. "Turning my sister's magic back at me!" In her anger, she fired an ice beam at Saria.

Saria once again held up her shield. It hit Koume.

"What's your problem?!" Koume yelled.

"Heh heh," Saria laughed.

The two old witches began to rapidly fire beams at Saria, not realizing she had the Mirror Shield and was reflecting them. This went on until both witches had been hit three times.

"Shoot, what a fresh kid!" Koume spoke. "This time, we'll get serious, right Kotake?"

"Old witch power!" they said at the same time, flying into each other.

"Are they combining?" Link asked. "That's freaky."

After they had flown into each other, what was there was this hideous thing that was half ice and half fire.

"She reminds me of the Great Fairy, except she's actually wearing clothes…" Saria stated.

Twinrova fired an ice beam at Saria. She held up her Mirror Shield, unsure of what would happen. It began to flash blue.

"Whoa, what the?"

"I will destroy you!" Twinrova yelled. It sounded like both Kotake and Koume talking at the same time. She fired another ice beam.

Saria caught it in her shield and it began to flash faster.

"Hmm, I wonder…" Saria started.

Twinrova decided to shoot a fire beam next. When it hit Saria's shield, it began to flash slowly again, but it was red.

"I've figured out what we're supposed to do!"

Twinrova shot another fire beam at Saria. Her shield flashed faster.

"What do you think you're doing?" Twinrova asked. She fired an ice beam. Saria dodged it. "Oh, so you want some more fire, eh? I'll give you fire!" The combined witch shot a flame beam at Saria. She caught it in her shield and it flashed faster than ever. Saria grinned.

After a few seconds, it shot out a huge burst of fire at Twinrova, knocking her to the ground. Saria charged at her with her huge sword and beat her with it so much she could not get up until she was defeated.

The two witches became two again soon after.

"Noo! That was supposed to work!" Koume yelled.

"Hahaha," Saria laughed. "You can't beat dah queen."

"What? Hey, Koume, what is that above your head?" Kotake asked Koume.

"I don't know, but you have one above your head too!" Koume replied.

"I can't die! I'm only 400 years old!"

"And I'm just 380 years old!"

"We're twins! Don't try to lie about your age!"

"You must have gone senile!"

"Who are you calling senile?! Is that how you treat your older sister?"

"We're twins! How can you be older?"

"Keeeyaaah! How heartless you are!"

"How can you be so ungrateful?"

"You're heartless!"

"You ungrateful…"

"Halos and light? What the heck is going on?" Link questioned. "You're evil!"

"Hey! Somebody has messed with my list!" Nayru exclaimed. "Wrong direction, witches!"

A hole suddenly opened up and the witches fell into it. Then it disappeared.

"Hero of Time, thank goodness you noticed or else those evil hags would've ended up in the wrong place."

"Haha! No need to thank me!" Link said.

"I'll come back to haunt you!" Koume's voice echoed.

"Hey! There's the Heart Container!" Saria stated.

**_Saria got a Heart Container! _**

And they were all warped to the Chamber of Sages.

"Ah ha! I knew Nabooru would be the Sage of Spirit!" Navi exclaimed.

"Wow, if only I'd known that you would become such a handsome man," Nabooru stated, staring at Link. "I should have kept the promise I made back then."

"Well, you really didn't have a choice anyway. We got the Silver Gauntlets and then you were being captured by witches."

"WAAAAIT!" Saria yelled. "If she wasn't being captured until after Gabe left…*Then it's all Gabe's fault that we couldn't save her! Curse that owl!"

"I really messed up back then…" Nabooru stated. "I was brainwashed by those old witches and used by Ganondorf to do his evil will… But isn't it funny? That a person like me could turn out to be the Sage of Spirit! And now, I'm going to fight them as one of the six Sages! Heh heh… I'm going to pay them back for what they did to me!"

"So… Do you want the gauntlets back?" Link asked.

"You can keep them! Now that I'm a sage, I don't really need them anymore."

"Yes!"

"Kid… No! Link, the Hero of Time! Instead of keeping the promise I made back then, I give you this medallion! Take it!"

_**Link got the Spirit Medallion!**_

"What does this one do?" Link questioned.

"It smells like pumpkin soup," Nabooru answered.

"Well okay…"

"Before you go, there is somebody waiting for you at the Temple of Time…" Rauru told them.

* * *

**I think there are some lines from other parodies/abridged series in this. You know, like the 'old witch power' thing, that's definitely not mine.**

**Meow.**

**… ****I mean peace.**


	16. Stricken

**Wow, another chapter already? Eh, I've just had more free time I guess…**

**Well, that's irrelevant. In this chapter, the team decides to get Heart Pieces through half the chapter, so if you think that will be boring, I guess you can skip to when they go to Ganon's Castle, but the title of the chapter comes from one of the scenes during the collection, so… just make the decision yourself.**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 16: Stricken

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was slightly mature, Navi probably read her book a lot, Saria pwned witches and Nabooru was discovered as the Sage of Spirit._

_Now for Chapter Sixteen._

"So, we're supposed to be spending this whole chapter getting Heart Pieces?" Navi asked, once they were teleported back to Desert Colossus.

"Yeah," Saria replied. "Let's not go to the Temple of Time yet. I have a feeling we'll be running into Zelda or something, then she'll get captured by Ganondorf and Link won't want to get Heart Pieces anymore."

"Yeah, but one problem: We have absolutely no idea where Heart Pieces are found!"

"I'm singing in the rain!" Link said after playing the Song of Storms.

"Don't worry. Because it's not part of the actual story, the authoress let me take a guide. Now, let's take a look… Well, looks like we already got Heart Piece number one back in Chapter 2. The second one is at Lon Lon Ranch in the past."

So Link played the Prelude of Light and went back in time and to the Lon Lon Ranch.

"Where?" Link asked.

"In that building over there," Saria answered, pointing to a tall building over in the corner. They entered.

"Dude! It smells like cows in here!"

"That's because there are cows in here," Navi told Link.

"Oh. Look! Milk crates!" Link jumped on top of them and spotted something behind one of them. He pulled the crate out of the way to reveal a hole.

"Wow, and I didn't even tell him that's what he was supposed to do," Saria stated.

Link crawled into the hole and found the Heart Piece in a small pile of hay.

_**Link got the fourth Heart Piece, forming a new Heart Container! **_

"Yay!" Link cheered, crawling out of the hole. "Where's the next one?"

"Lost Woods," Saria replied. She played the Minuet of Forest and they appeared at the Sacred Forest Meadow.

"Where?"

"Apparently we're supposed to have a jam session with some Skull Kids a few times, near the beginning of the woods."

"Found it!" Link exclaimed.

"Hello there!" one of the Skull Kids greeted. "What's your name?"

"What's your name?"

"I'm Hopper and that's Jump Jump! We're musical beings of the woods! Would you like to play with us?"

"Sure thing! I'd love to!" Link took out the Ocarina of Time. "What are we playing?"

"Stricken by Disturbed!"

"Wait, what?!"

Saria pushed Link out of the way with her ocarina out. She and the Skull Kids played quite nicely for a rock song on an ocarina and two flutes. The Deku Scrub up in the nearby tree with the target hanging from it was singing the lyrics.

"That was such a nice session, that we're not going to make you do it four times to get a Heart Piece! Here! Take it!"

_**Saria got a Heart Piece!**_

"… How the heck did you play Stricken by Disturbed on those instruments?" Link asked.

"Okay! 1 down three to go!" Saria said. She took out the guide again. "The next one is still here at the Lost Woods, right where we ran into Fado before."

A few tunnels later, they were in the area. A Skull Kid was playing a flute on top of a tall stump. Saria stepped onto the shorter stump and played Saria's Song. "Wow! You know Saria's Song!" the Skull Kid exclaimed.

"Umm, I am Saria," Saria told the Skull Kid.

"Cool! Let's be friends! As a token of our friendship, take this!"

**_Saria got a Heart Piece! _**

"To think that these Heart Pieces were scattered all over the place and this easy to get," Navi spoke.

"Two down two to go!" Saria stated. "Heart Piece number five is at the Goron City!"

"It's in that giant spinning pot?" Link questioned.

"We're supposed to throw a bomb into it when the happy face is facing us," Navi said, looking at the paper.

Saria chucked a bomb into the pot and got it on her first try.

"Wow. Lucky shot."

**_Saria got a Heart Piece! _**

"Three down one to go!" Saria spoke.

"Okay, Saria, stop doing that. It's annoying," Navi told her.

"I have to or else the authoress loses track. The sixth one is in Death Mountain Crater, only accessible in the future… Let's just stick to ones in the past for now."

"Are we going to try and get all of them?"

"No no, Link, we're just getting 16, not all of them."

"Why specifically 16? Because it's the sixteenth chapter?"

"No, we were getting that many anyway. Weird coincidence. Oh! Now here's an easy one! Number thirty three! All we have to do is go into this night time shop, pay ten rupees to play and then we can cheat with the Lens of Truth."

"Cool."

"Hey there, kids. You wanna play? Ten rupees," the tattooed guy behind the desk asked.

"Sure," Saria replied, putting down two blue rupees because yellow rupees did not yet exist.

"Take this key."

**_Saria got a Small Key!_**

"Open up that door over there with it and you'll be in another room with two treasure chests. One contains a key and the other doesn't. If you can make it to the end, you get the prize."

Saria went through the locked door. She grinned and took out the Lens of Truth, allowing her to see what was inside the chest.

Saria successfully got to the end and saw a chest. She opened it.

**_Saria got the fourth Heart Piece, forming a new Heart Container! _**

"Eight to go," she said.

Since I no longer have the will to write out all of the other Heart Pieces they obtained, I'm just going to skip to once they get sixteen.

"Hey!" Saria yelled.

"Listen!" Link said, giggling.

"Shut up, Link."

"Are you mocking me?" Navi asked.

Link took out the Ocarina of Time, "Let's go to the Temple of Time now!" He played the Prelude of Light and they appeared there. Sheik was standing in front of the door. "Hi there, Sheik! You see, there's supposed to be somebody waiting for us here at the Temple of Time, so-"

"I am that person, you idiot," Sheik told him.

"Oh."

"I have been waiting for hours. What took you so long!"

"Well, Saria wanted to get Heart Pieces before we even came here."

"Well, now I'm going to launch into this huge speech ripped almost straight from the game, except shorter. Link, the Hero of Time, you have overcome many hardships and awakened six Sages. And now you have a final challenge, a showdown with Ganondorf, the King of Evil. I am going to tell you another legend passed down by the Sheikah…"

"This is going to take forever…" Saria muttered.

"If you would seek the sacred triangle, listen well. The resting place of the sacred triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart, the heart of one who enters it. If an evil heart, the Realm will become full of evil; if pure, the Realm will become a paradise. The Triforce, the sacred triangle… It is a balance that weighs the three forces: Power, Wisdom and Courage. If the heart of the one who holds the sacred triangle has all three forces in balance, that one will gain the True Force to govern all. But, if that one's heart is not in balance, the Triforce will seperate into three parts: Power, Wisdom and Courage. Only one part will remain for the one who touched the Triforce, the part representing the force that the one most believes in. If that one seeks the True Force, that one must acquire the two lost parts. Those two parts will be held within others chosen by destiny, who will bear the Triforce mark on the back of whichever hand they use.

"Seven years ago, Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time and entered the Sacred Realm. But when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. Only the Triforce of Power remained in his hand."

"And?" Link asked.

"The one who holds the Triforce of Courage is… You, Link!"

"Wait, what?" A Triforce mark suddenly appeared on Link's left hand.

"Oh come on, since when has he ever been more courageous than me?" Saria complained.

"Saria, you're the Sage of the Forest, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"And the other, who holds the Triforce of Wisdom… is the seventh Sage, who is the destined to be the leader of them all…" Sheik held up his right hand and a Triforce mark appeared on it. There was a blinding flash of light and Sheik was gone, with a seventeen year old Zelda in his place. "It is I, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda."

"Holy crap, Sheik was Zelda this whole time?"

"Why did you ditch me when I was in the middle of my speech back in Chapter 2?"

"_As I said before_, nobody wants to read speeches ripped straight from the game."

"Why were you disguised?" Link asked.

"I apologize for meeting you in disguise, but it was necessary to hide from the King of Evil. Please forgive me…"

"Wait, but Ganondorf isn't defeated yet, so do you really think it's a good idea to turn back into Zelda?" Navi questioned.

"I saw you as I was escaping from the castle with my attendant, Impa."

"Impa is your attendant? Since when?"

"Be quiet and let me finish. As long as you had the Ocarina in your possession, I thought Ganondorf could never enter the Sacred Realm, but… something I could never expect happened… After you opened the Door of Time, the Master Sword sealed you away in the Sacred Realm. Your spirits remained in the Sacred Realm and then the Triforce fell into Ganondorf's hands. He went on to invade the Sacred Realm… Ganondorf had become the Evil King, and the Sacred Realm became a world of evil. All of this is an unfortunate coincidence. I passed myself off as a Sheikah and hoped that you would return. I waited for seven years… It seemed to take forever for you to come back!"

"Well excuuuuuse me princess!" Link said, laughing.

"Shut up. You're back now, so hopefully the dark age ruled by Ganondorf the Evil King will end. The six Sages will open the sealed door and lure Ganondorf back into the Sacred Realm. I will then seal the door to the Sacred Realm from this world. Thus, Ganondorf the Evil King will vanish from Hyrule."

"Can't we just kill him?" Saria asked.

"No, because he has to come back in Wind Waker."

"Oh. Dang it."

"Now in order to banish Ganondorf from Hyrule, I need your courage again. Please protect me while I do my part. And here is a weapon that can penetrate the Evil King's defenses… The power given to the chosen ones… The sacred Arrow of Light!" Zelda held her hands up and a yellow light began to glow between them.

**_Link got the Light Arrows!_**

"How do you know that these will work on Ganondorf?" Saria questioned.

"They're evil destroying arrows."

"So if we shoot one at Ganondorf he won't be evil anymore?" Link asked.

"No, but they'll stun him for a few seconds, giving you a chance to strike."

"Oh. Okay."

Suddenly the temple began to shake.

"That rumbling! It can't be!" Zelda gasped. A pink crystal suddenly imprisoned her. Link put his hands on it.

"Muahahaha! I am evil!" Ganondorf's voice laughed. "Princess Zelda, you foolish traitor! I commend you for avoiding my pursuit for seven long years!"

"How in the world does that make me a traitor?"

"I caught a video of you saying that you would join me!"

"Wait, what?"

"Well, I did have to do a bit of digital editing…"

"Oh, seriously-" Zelda's crystal suddenly shot up into the air.

"Come back!" Link yelled. "I'm not done feeling the crystal!"

"If you want to rescue Zelda, come to my castle!" Ganondorf said, and Zelda's crystal disappeared.

"Noooooo!"

"Let's go burn Ganondorf!" Saria said.

"Yaaaaay!"

"Are you two finally starting to take sugar again?" Navi asked.

"Yes. The authoress was getting sick of our sanity," Saria replied.

"TO GANONDORF'S CASTLE!" Link stated quite loudly.

"Oh noez, there's no way over," Link said. Ganon's castle was floating above a huge pool of lava.

"Fear not! For we are magical!" Saria stated, turning into a floating green light. All the other Sages, as floating lights, flew everywhere and a girly rainbow bridge appeared, leading into Ganon's castle.

"How ironic," Navi spoke. "A girly rainbow bridge leading into the most evil place in Hyrule."

"It's Rainbow Road!" Mario exclaimed. A bunch of race carts drove into the castle.

"…" Link, Navi and the Sages were all silent.

Meanwhile, up in the top of the castle…

Ganondorf and Zelda were silent as they heard the race cars driving all over the castle and people yelling.

"… Should this be happening…?" Zelda asked slowly.

"Heck no…" Ganondorf answered. "I have to find out what's going on out there. Don't do anything stupid."

"I hope you know I can't move this thing."

"Shut up." Ganondorf went through the door and began to go down the stairs. All of the race carts were driving up the stairs and were coming towards him. "WHAT IN CRAP-"

"It looks like there's a barriar in the way and we won't be able to get through at the moment," Navi stated.

"Navi, there's a hole in the barrier," Saria told her.

"The barriar seems to connect to all of the rooms. I bet there's a thing that breaks the barriar in each room."

"Navi, there's a hole in the barrier!" Saria said a little bit louder.

"That room right there looks like it's covered up with a giant rock that you can only lift with the item you get in this dungeon."

"NAVI! THERE'S A HOLE IN THE BARRIER!" Saria screamed.

"Dear Lisa, dear Lisa-" Link started. "Huh? Oh, there is."

"… Wait, what? Oh…" Navi spoke.

"But don't we need to get the item in this dungeon?"

A treasure chest suddenly fell on top of him due to the authoress's laziness to have them go through all of the rooms. Saria opened it.

**_Saria got the Golden Gauntlets!_**

"Oof," Link muttered, shoving the chest off of him.

"It looks like a stronger version of the Silver Gauntlets. I wish that those things would just shrink down so I could wear them-" Saria started as Link was taking the Silver Gauntlets off. The gauntlets suddenly shrank into Saria's hand size. "Weird. I wonder how that happened." She put them on. "Hehehe…"

Link put on the Golden Gauntlets. "NOW I'M SUPERMAN!" He picked up the huge rock covering one of the room. He tossed it aside. "MUAHAHAHA! I AM UNDEFEATABLE!"

"Let's go beat the crap out of Ganondorf!"

* * *

**If you got that "dear Lisa" thing, then I guess you're kinda cool…?**

**Eh… Zelda's really, really annoying in my opinion…**

**There's only one chapter after this not counting the epilogue.**

**Peace.**


	17. The Final Battle

**OMD IT'S LEIK DAH LAST CHAPTAH NAT COUNTIN DAH EPILOGUE.**

**So… yay. In this chapter, THE HEROES FAIL AND DIE. Just kidding. Link will be annoyed by staircases and the Mario carts will prove to be actually useful in a dire situation.**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Chapter 17: The Final Battle

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link became supposedly undefeatable, Navi was mocked, Saria proved her magicalness and a bunch of Mario carts drove into Ganon's castle._

_Now for Chapter Seventeen._

"Hey! I saw another one of these giant rocks outside!" Navi stated. "Maybe there's something behind it!"

"I like proving my strength," Link said. "It's fun."

Outside…

"GIANT ROCK!" Link ran over to the giant rock outside and lifted it up. He tossed it backwards, revealing a cave.

"I am about 93% sure that is a Great Fairy Fountain," Navi spoke.

And it was.

"Hello! I am the Great Fairy of Courage!" the Great Fairy greeted. "I am going to enhance your defensive skills to help you defeat the Evil King!"

_**Link and Saria's defense went up!**_

"Now enemies will do half as much damage as before."

"Okay, now that is useful," Saria stated.

-

"Oh come on, couldn't Ganondorf just have bought an elevator?" Link complained once they entered the staircase room.

"Haha!" Saria laughed. She turned into a green light and flew up the stairs.

"Oh come on! You and Navi get to fly up!"

"Don't complain! You get to lift up giant rocks!"

"True, but that doesn't mean my legs have super strength."

One horribly hard(for Link) staircase climb later…

"Why do I hear crashing and yelling in there?" Navi wondered.

"Well, I guess we better find out…" Saria said.

They entered the room. Ganondorf had climbed to the top of his giant organ while race carts were driving all over the room.

"Oh, now you get here!" Ganondorf yelled. "Ugh, for Nayru's sake!" He broke one of the windows and all of the carts drove out. "Well! Now!" Ganondorf jumped down to the ground.

"Why did you capture the princess?" Navi asked.

"Because I knew you would come! For I have the Triforce of Power, the princess has the Triforce of Wisdom and he has the Triforce of Courage! I knew that if I captured her you would come eventually! Now that all of the Triforce bearers have come together, they are finally beginning to become one again!"

"Oh Din, help me!" Zelda shouted. "I've been stuck up here for hours!"

A wave of darkness suddenly shot towards the trio.

"I'm sorry, Link! Because of the waves of darkness, I can't help you in this battle!" Navi told Link.

"Why?" he asked.

"I mean I can't target onto him."

"What are you talking about…?"

"Oh yeah, I don't help you target in this story…"

"Now hand over that Triforce piece or I'll force it out of you!" Ganondorf threatened.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think that's possible. I don't think that you can force a piece of the Triforce out of somebody against their will, and if the Triforce bearer dies, then it simply goes to another suitable person."

"Shut up, flutterpants! I'm doing it anyway!"

"Excuse me?"

Suddenly Ganondorf's organ vanished into thin air and he began to fly into the air. "Foight meh!"

"Gladly!" Saria said, drawing her sword.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Navi screamed, turning red.

"Should I be scared?" Ganondorf asked.

"Probably," Saria replied.

"DESTROY HIM!" Navi screeched. She started to beat Ganondorf up. It was being quite effective, in spite of the fact that she was a fairy.

"Holy friggin' derp hats!" Ganondorf yelled, flying all over the room.

Suddenly Saria took out pepper spray and sprayed Ganondorf in the eyes.

"AUGH! MY EYES!" He crashed into a wall.

Then she shot a Light Arrow at him and started hitting him with her sword while Navi was beating him up.

"This has to be the most unsuccessful thing that has happened in my life!"

A few minutes later, he sat up and gasped for breath. He coughed up blood.

"The Great Evil King Ganondorf… beaten by a fairy and a kid?!"

Suddenly he began to glow. The walls shattered.

Somehow, all of the race carts from before had been driving on the roof. They drove back onto the area that had once been a room. There was an earthquake and the tower began to collapse.

Zelda's crystal lowered and it disappeared. "Ganondorf is using the last of his strength to make the tower collapse and crush us! We must escape, quickly!" she told Link, Saria and Navi.

Mario, Luigi and Princess Peach drove up to them.

"Need a hand?" Mario asked with his Italian accent.

"Heck yes!" Zelda replied. She got into Peach's cart despite it's size. Saria got into Luigi's and Link got into Mario's.

They started to drive violently fast down the tower, through rooms and into enemies until they got to the bottom and the whole tower exploded.

"That had to be the most exciting thing that ever happened in my whole life," Zelda stated, getting out of the cart.

"Now I'm glad they ended up driving into the castle…" Saria spoke, getting out as well.

"Hey baby, wanna hang out sometime?" Luigi asked her. (UH SHE'S A KOKIRI YA CREEP)

"Ew, no!"

"Well, I suppose it's time we return to our game!" Mario said as Link got out of his cart. All of the carts drove into a portal that appeared out of thin air.

"I wonder if Ganondorf survived that," Link wondered.

Suddenly a bunch of rubble left over moved a little.

"What was that sound?" Zelda questioned.

"I'll go find out!" Link replied, walking up to it. Saria followed him.

Ganondorf suddenly burst out of the rubble, breathing heavily. He held up his right hand, which had the Triforce on it. He transformed into a giant pig beast with two tridents.

"Oh my crap," Saria stated. "That thing is freaky for a pig."

A ring of fire appeared around them, trapping Zelda outside. Ganon smacked Link's Master Sword away, behind Zelda.

"Zelda! Toss me my sword!" Link told Zelda.

"I can't! The wall is too high!" Zelda answered.

"You mean you're just too scared to move?" Saria asked.

Zelda turned her head away. "No! Shut up!"

"Don't panic, Link! I still have the most powerful sword in the game!"

Saria shot a Light Arrow at Ganon's face, stunning him. She rolled between his legs and beat his tail with the Biggoron's Sword.

Ganon snorted because he no longer had the ability to talk. He snorted again because of this.

"Haha, you can't talk!" Saria laughed, shooting another arrow at him.

She did this again and again until Ganon fell to the ground, using one of his tridents to hold him up. The fire barriar went down.

"Quick! Get the sword!" Zelda told Link.

"Can't you just toss it to me?!" Link yelled.

"No, I can't! I feel like I'll miss and it will fall into the lava!"

"Oh, maybe."

_**Link got the Master Sword back! **_

"Yes!"

A few minutes later, Saria had knocked Ganon back down to the ground with the exact same method. I guess his intelligence changed with his transformation.

Zelda shot a beam of light at Ganon, stunning him. "I'm using my power to hold the Evil King! Quickly, Link! Deliver the final blow!"

Link stabbed Ganon in the head painfully. The screen showed three different camera angles of it.

"AUUUUUUGH!" Ganon yelled, slashing all over the place.

"Sages of Hyrule! Open the sealed door and send the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the void of the Evil Realm!" Zelda called.

Suddenly all of the other Sages appeared. Saria turned into a floating light. They all began to fly around Ganon.

"NOOOO!" Ganon shouted.

A vacuum of light appeared. Ganon was sucked into it, and then it disappeared.

"YOU…" Ganondorf started, falling into whiteness. "CURSE YOU… ZELDA! CURSE YOU… SAGES! CURSE YOU… LINK AND THAT DUMB FAIRY! Someday, when this seal is broken, that is when I will exterminate your descendants in Wind Waker! As long as the Triforce of Power is in my hand…"

There was a bright flash of light. Zelda, Link, Saria and Navi appeared in a sky-like area.

"Thank you, Link and Saria," Zelda said. "Thanks to you, Ganondorf has been sealed inside the Evil Realm!"

"Wait, wasn't it the Sacred Realm?" Saria asked.

"I'm just saying my lines, Saria. Thus, peace will once again reign in this world… for a time…"

"Hey wait!" Navi yelled. "I helped too! I beat up Ganondorf before he turned into that huge pig beast!"

"I know, I know… Now anyway, all the tragedy that has befallen Hyrule was my doing… I was so young… I could not comprehend the consequences of trying to control the Sacred Realm. I dragged you into it too."

"See, now you call it the Sacred Realm!" Saria interrupted. "And what are you talking about? Was this in that speech we skipped?"

"Yes it was. Now shut up and let me finish. Now it is time for me to make up for my mistakes… You must lay the Master Sword to rest and close the Door of Time… However, by doing this, the road between times will be closed…"

"How do we close the Door of Time?" Link asked.

"You take the Spiritual Stones away and return then to their rightful places. Now Link, give the Ocarina of Time to me… As a Sage, I can return you to your original time with it." Link gave the ocarina to Zelda.

"Hey, I'm a Sage too!" Saria stated.

"I'm the Sage of Time, so I can do it. When peace returns to Hyrule… It will be time for us to say good-bye… Now, go home, you two. Regain your lost time! Home… Where you are supposed to be, the way you are supposed to be… Thank you… Good bye…" Zelda played Zelda's Lullaby on the ocarina. Link, Saria and Navi went up in a blue light and appeared back at the Temple of Time.

But still, back in the future, people were partying at the Lon Lon Ranch. Every character besides Link, Saria, Navi and Zelda was there. Even King Zora and Biggoron were there somehow.

In the past though, with Link, Saria and Navi…

"So Navi… Are you going to leave us forever now?" Link asked.

"Where did you get _that_ thought?" Navi questioned.

"I don't know, it just seems like this would be the time when you would leave so you wouldn't be in the sequel."

"Heck no! Why would I leave? I have no where to go!"

"Navi! You really do care for me!"

"Come on, let's go return the Spiritual Stones," Saria said.

They all exited the room and grabbed all the Spiritual Stones. The door slowly closed once more.

* * *

**I don't think I was thinking when I made Luigi say that. Seriously.**

**Well, that's it. EXCEPT THE AWESOME EPILOGUE THAT MAKES NO SENSE. AND SEQUELS, TEEHEE.**

**Peace ;)**


	18. Epilogue

**It's here. The epilogue. In this short of a period of time, surprisingly, I have uploaded the entire first story of the Bizarre Saga. Well, it's not THAT shocking, considering the fact that the whole thing was already done.**

**In this chapter, we will get a description of what happened to almost every character in the story. Fun, right?**

**I don't own Zelda.**

* * *

The Bizarre Saga: Ocarina of Time  
Epilogue

_Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link climbed a huge staircase, Navi beat the crap out of Ganondorf, Saria helped seal Ganon away and the world returned to peace. Mostly._

_Now for the Epilogue._

"So, as for the Kokiri Emerald…" Saria started. "What do we do with it? The Great Deku Tree is dead and the Deku Tree Sprout hasn't grown yet."

"Can we keep it?" Link asked.

"No, Link, we can't."

"Dang it."

"Where do we put it…?" Navi wondered. "Hmm…"

"It has to be the most unexpected place, where Ganondorf will never think to look if he gets out of the Evil Realm, or whatever," Saria said.

"… I know!" Link exclaimed.

-

"What are you doing in my house?!" Mido asked.

"Link, please don't tell me we're hiding it here at Mido's house," Navi said.

"Yep!" Link replied. He pulled off the cover of one of the stairs on the small staircase going up to the platform Mido was standing on. "Genius, isn't it?" Link put the Spiritual Stone of Forest in a leather bag and put that inside the opening inside the stairs.

"What are you doing!" Mido demanded.

"Mido, I need to ask you a favor," Saria told him.

"Yes my dear?"

"Don't call me that. Anyway, we needed somewhere to put the Kokiri Emerald after we closed the Door of Time, and the Great Deku Tree is dead so he can't protect it anymore. We're hiding it in your house, where nobody would ever think to look."

"Well, okay…"

"By the way, close your eyes and hold still a moment."

"Umm, sure…" Saria whacked him with a frying pan.

She grinned. "I've always wanted to do that!"

"Do you think he'll forget it's there?" Navi asked.

"Meh, who knows, who cares. As long as nobody else knows it's here!"

-

"So! The Goron Ruby, we return straight to Darunia, right?" Navi questioned.

"Yes, but maybe we should try and sell it to him first just for cash," Saria suggested. "I could use some more…"

"Saria, he's not going to buy something that rightfully belongs to him."

"Can't we just sell it on eBay or something?"

"I'll be right back." Navi was gone in a flash and came back a few minutes later. "Darunia doesn't care if he gets it back or not because he has nothing to do with it…"

"In that case…" Saria took out a laptop. "… I'll be selling it on eBay for lots of cash…"

-

"So the Zora Sapphire," Navi started. "We're giving it back to Ruto."

ZORA'S DOMAIN…

"What? You're actually giving that thing back?" Ruto asked.

"Yeah, we don't need it anymore," Saria said, holding out the stone.

Ruto slowly took the stone back and started to madly spray it with germ killer.

"Dude, what's your deal?"

"You threw this thing up!"

"You seemed to be totally fine with looking for it inside that giant fish!"

"That's different! Now get out!"

"No, it's not different-"

"GET OUT!"

-

Now that we know what happened to all of the Spiritual Stones, I will write out what happened to all of the other characters.

Link, Navi and Saria stayed a team and their boredom brought them to looking for a new place to go, which will be told in the next story. Saria's greed for money also led them to selling most of their items, even their bombs(Gasp!). She also got a black horse about the same age as Epona, named Chase. Navi ended up reading The Son of Neptune as well.

Mido, from being hit by a frying pan, forgot about the Spiritual Stone of Forest.

The shopkeeper from the Kokiri Forest continued selling crappy items.

The Great Deku Tree was eventually buried by the Kokiri.

The Deku Scrubs inside the Deku Tree eventually moved to the Lost Woods. They actually did become bakers.

Saria's fairy has yet to appear…

Gabe was fired from his job moved out of Hyrule.

Kevin continued his adventures as a magic peacock.

Princess Zelda stayed at Hyrule Castle most of the time, except sometimes she snuck out so she could go places without guards following her everywhere.

The carpenters and Mutoh remained carpenters.

The little kid at the graveyard became the new gravekeeper after Dampé died.

Not much happened to the guard in front of Death Mountain.

The Goron Link called a talking rock became fatter than he already was.

Darunia became dancing champion at the Goron City.

The Great Fairies had a meeting about their future appearances. They apparently had learned a lesson about their current appearance.

Anju, the cucco lady, finally decided to deal with her allergies that probably weren't mentioned in the story.

Ingo continued to work at the Lon Lon Ranch.

Epona joined Link along with his new quest.

Talon tried to work harder and not sit on his lazy butt and sleep all day anymore.

Malon made Talon watch Teletubbies every time he fell asleep on the job.

The guards of Hyrule Castle never knew about the trio's meeting with Zelda.

The guy eating potato chips at Zora's River ate potato chips all around the clock. Well, until he made a store and sold all kinds of potato chips there. He had a rival that sold corn chips.

The Zora Saria got the Zora Scale from never figured out exactly what happened with the whole borrowing 300 rupees and buying something from him with it.

King Zora remained an overprotective father and never got up again. Fail… Oh yeah, and after being kicked off the ledge, he remained unconscious for a week.

Princess Ruto continued to need to deal with her overprotective father.

Impa made lots and lots of oatmeal.

Ganondorf was stuck in the Realm until Wind Waker.

Rauru, well… stayed in the Chamber of Sages as the Sage of Light, I guess…

Dampé tried to haunt people, but failed. Somehow.

The Moblin that gave Link pie was indeed fired.

Phantom Ganondorf was trapped in the gap between dimensions forever. I don't see why Ganondorf didn't just burn him or something.

The Deku Tree Sprout became the Great Deku Tree of Wind Waker.

Link the Goron was the new Goron leader eventually.

Monogoron decided to stop doing the whole agent thing and tried to become a blacksmith, but he never really was successful.

The woman from that building Talon was staying in at Kakariko was very glad he was no longer there.

The ugly punk guy who took Cojiro had become a Stalfos. Cojiro became horrified and soon returned to Anju.

The old lady from the other potion shop went very senile.

Fado kept respecting Mido. Actually, she liked him, but she knew that he was obsessed with Saria for some reason.

Biggoron kept making swords. He became quite wealthy, and also made a new one for Saria, so she gave the Kokiri Sword back to Link.

The ugly professor became even more senile than the old lady at the other potion shop.

The Gerudo soon realized that Ganondorf would not be coming back, so they made Nabooru completely in charge. She felt very accomplished.

Alyssa became second in command, which was Nabooru's old place.

The hobo that sold Link the Bombchu continued to rip people off. Eventually he was arrested, fortunately.

Kotake and Koume, they, well… were dead. Koume never actually managed to haunt Link.

Hopper and Jump Jump became musical performers.

The Skull Kid Saria played her song for stole a very important mask from the Happy Mask Salesman… (Dun dun duuuuuuuuun!)

The tattooed person owning the treasure chest shop never knew about Saria cheating.

The Mario characters continued to race and race in the Mario dimension with their carts.

Till next time in…

The Bizarre Saga: Majora's Mask!

_"Hmm… I've never seen this part of the Lost Woods before…"_

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"Muahahaha! I am a musical genius!"

"Hey! Get back here!"

"Hahaha! As long as I have this mask, I am invincible!"

"I feel shorter… Oh muffin! My hair is messed up!"

"S-sis!"

"H-hey! You can't leave without me! Get back here! I don't wanna die in here with them!"

"I can't stand talking to her anyway."

"We just met and I already hate you!"

"I just so happen to have an idea of where he might be going. Take me with you and I'll help you out. Deal? Please?"

"Hey! I think we made it to the exit!"

"I feel dizzy…"

"Wait, weren't we just in a hole…? How did we get into…"

"… You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"


End file.
